A Biblical Model of Parenting

I wrote a little bit about my approach to raising kids yesterday. I was asked a question that I thought I'd respond to today.

When we were expecting our first child, we attended a parenting conference that completely transformed the way we approached raising our kids. Most of what I'm sharing today comes from the speakers of that conference and the book they wrote on biblical childrearing.

They spent quite a bit of time discussing what the Bible says about human nature, children, parenting, etc. I pulled 6 key points out of this:

1. Your children are the product of two things: shaping influence (their physical makeup and their life experience) and Godward orientation (whether they love or reject God determines how they interact with their experiences). Parenting involves (1) providing the best shaping influences you can and (2) the careful shepherding of your children's responses to those influences.


2. The heart determines behavior.

   Mark 7:21 "...from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly."

   Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks."

   We must learn to see our kids' behavior as more than just undesirable actions or annoyances. We have to work backward from behavior to the heart. Don't focus only on behavior. By talking with our children about what they did, we work to expose their heart struggles - why they did it. Help your children see that they were made for a relationship with God. The thirst of the heart can be satisfied in truly knowing God. (And something else I've learned? When I respond incorrectly to their poor behavior, I have my own heart issues to confront and probably sins to confess to them too!)
   
   
3. You have authority because God has made you His agent. This means you are on His errand, not yours. Your task is to help your children know God and the true nature of reality. Ephesians 6:4 commands you to bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. This is a command to provide the training and instruction of the Lord; to function on God's behalf. You and your child are both under God's authority. You have different roles but the same Master. And your correction should orbit around God as the one offended, not you. This will keep your focus on restoration, moving a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience.
   


4. Since the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, you must set such a worldview before your children. You must help them learn that only in Him will they find themselves.


5. If you have these Biblical goals, you can only accomplish them through biblical methods. You must reject the substitute methods that our culture presents.


6. God has given two methods for childrearing. They are (1) communication and (2) the rod. These methods must be woven together in your practice. Your children need to be known and understood. Thus, rich communication is necessary. They also need authority and firmness. Thus, the rod is necessary. The rod functions to underscore the importance of the things you talk with them about.*

In the stage of development from infancy through about age 5, the primary characteristic is change. They grow more than at any other stage, develop a vast array of new skills, and present us with a steady stream of new challenges. In all of this, it's easy for us parents to lose focus. We need a single over-arching focus, "narrow enough to give firm direction in concrete situations and broad enough to encompass the changing world of the young child."*

The most important lesson for a child to learn in this period is that he is an individual under authority. He has been made by God and has a responsibility to obey God in all things. The key passage of Scripture for this period is

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with a promise: 'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" Ephesians 6:1-3

Obedience is a response to God. Children will not submit to you or any other earthly authority unless they understand that they are made for God. He has the right to rule them. If they don't see this, they won't see living to glorify God. They will be self-absorbed and worship only themselves. Submitting to earthly authorities is part of being under God's authority because He has designated those earthly authorities over us.

Acquaint your children with authority and submission when they are infants. This training starts the day you bring them home from the hospital. These lessons, firmly established in the early years, will yield fruit throughout childhood. Establish these principles and you will eliminate the need to have repeated contests over authority.

We model authority and submission, not by submitting to our children (God made us their authorities, not vice versa), but by submitting to our earthly authorities. Wives, model for your children the type of attitude and behavior you want from them by submitting to and honoring your husbands, supervisors if you work outside the home, and other authorities in your life. Husbands, model this attitude in the way you submit to... and talk about... your boss, the government and its agents (e.g. police, internal revenue service, president), etc.

That's a tremendously high calling, isn't it? I have so far to go. I've been rereading this book lately and been convicted in so many areas. My example to my kids has been lacking, and my goals with them have fallen short. But the good news is that with God and for His own, it is never too late and all things are possible.

*All quotes taken from Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Conference material presented by Paul and Tedd Tripp in 2000. I highly recommend this book. It is one I read every year, not just to remind me of how I should be approaching my children, but also to remind me how I should approach my own sinful heart. It is immensely practical for self-correction as well as for bringing up children.

Thanksgiving Resolutions

This year, I decided that making a New Year's resolution to get in better shape was too little too late. So I made Thanksgiving resolutions to get back to the gym and not gain any weight through the holiday season.

Then Luke started waking me up 2-3 times a night. Needless to say, I didn't get to the gym those days!

Last week, my pediatrician told me that Luke is fully recovered from surgery and needs to learn to sleep through the night again. Most babies that end up in the hospital regress in the sleep department (hospitals don't cater to those who wish to have no interruptions in the night), and then parents have a very difficult time distinguishing between genuine needs and manipulation when they all get back home. At first, the little guy needed pain meds and food because he was healing. But at some point, those needs fade away, leaving the baby in an unhealthy sleep pattern.

So the doctor said to start working with him to go longer between feedings at night. I realized that if he would sleep longer, not only would his daytime routine settle back down, but I would get enough rest to get up early and go to the gym.

I also passionately believe that a parent's primary task is to teach their children that life does not revolve around the child. Each of us must learn this in order to function, let alone succeed, in the world. I do my children a huge disservice if I do not prepare them for this reality. But this requires daily and doggedly-determined work by us parents. People are born self-centered and self-focused. If you look for it, you see this even in little babies (this is why they cry when you don't do what they want you to!). If I want my children to grow up into responsible, considerate, generous, loving adults who work well with others, I must teach them this. It doesn't come naturally. And learning to wait without complaining, help others instead of indulge yourself, consider the needs of everyone when making choices -- all are crucial skills that take years and years to develop and mature. The longer you as a parent wait to start, the longer your kids have to develop selfish habits and the harder it is to break those bad-but-firmly-ingrained patterns.

It may seem trivial, but you start teaching an others-focus in infancy when you teach your baby good habits and refuse to cater to their every whim (such as eating at 2am or being held every moment). Crying never hurt anyone -- in fact, it's healthy for a child to experience not getting their way. Of course they'll be upset about it. But the next time, it won't be so unexpected. And when they mature enough to start working on the concept of "Do all things without grumbling or complaining" (Philippians 2:14), they will already know that life doesn't always go their way and will be ready to for this next step.

Whew. I got off on a major tangent! I have such a hard time watching parents passively watch their children misbehave and do nothing about it. We have neighbors who, when their 4-year-old daughter runs around the neighborhood without a shirt on, just laugh and say she just won't put clothes on. Excuse me, but isn't it your job to teach her these things, and to make her do it even if she doesn't want to???? That's what it means to be a parent! When are you planning to teach her about modesty? And if you don't establish authority now, do you honestly think she'll listen to you later when the issues are much more important?

Ok, Ok. Back to the topic at hand.

I made a third resolution: Get Luke sleeping through the night again.

Friday night, I girded up my loins to endure an angry baby. I was determined to wait until 4am to feed him. That was the latest he'd gone on his own that week, so I knew he could do it.

At 2am, he let loose. He was ticked off and no pacifier was going to satisfy him -- trust me, I tried! I patted his bottom, held the pacifier in his mouth, spoke soothingly to him... everything but pick him up. I nearly drifted off standing up, so I finally crawled back into bed, seeing that he didn't care what I did if it didn't involve food.

After about half an hour of this 4-month-old version of a temper-trantrum, I moved him to the pack'n'play at the far end of the house. The two boys share a room and I couldn't put Sam through any more of it.

Of course, being picked up and then put back down without a feeding in between was The Last Straw. But he was tired, and after a short flash of temper and about 15 more minutes of gradually quieter grumbling, he settled down and drifted off to sleep.

He woke up at 3:45am, so I staggered out, fed him just a few minutes early, and put him back to sleep in the boys' room.

Saturday night, I wasn't sure what to expect. Imagine the glorious bliss when I woke up to his cries at 6am! The boy catches on fast, praise God! He has slept til at least 4am every night since, everyone is sleeping better without his crying every 2 hours at night, and I actually made it to the gym yesterday.

Third resolution - check

Now I just have to re-acclimate my body to exercise. I walked the track rather than the treadmill yesterday, and even jogged for about 3/4 of a mile. Miraculously, I was actually able to get out of bed this morning. Every muscle from my waist down aches, right down to my toes, but it's a good ache. And after just one workout, I feel a lot better about everything -- my health, my eating (it's weird, but as soon as I start exercising, junk food loses its appeal!), and my ability to take care of the kids... especially Elli. Scott and I realized awhile ago that we have no choice: we MUST stay in shape if we are going to avoid injuring ourselves lifting and transferring Elli.

My dream is to be fit enough to take the kids out for a run on nice days. We bought a jogging stroller for Elli and bikes for Sam and Anna for Christmas (shhhh.... don't tell!). I'll have to have some endurance to keep up with the kids on bikes! I'm really looking forward to getting outside with them, and I think Elli will absolutely LOVE getting out of her wheelchair and racing with her siblings.

First and second resolutions: in process

Questions, questions, questions

I have found myself asking the strangest questions of myself lately. Questions I couldn't even have conceived of before becoming a mother.

Have you ever asked yourself:

What is the fascination with hand-washing? I am convinced that my daughter goes potty 15 times a day just to have an excuse to wash her hands.

Why do kids always have to go potty during mealtimes? Is there something about eating that triggers bladder spasms or do they get bored and know this is a sure-fire way to get down from the table for a few minutes?

Why do kids ask questions they already know the answer to (like "What are you doing? when you do something you do every day or "What is that?" when you're holding something they've seen since infancy... like a towel)?

Why is it that, no matter how far ahead of time I start, it always takes longer than the time I allowed myself to get everyone out the door? This morning I started 20 minutes before I had to leave, and I was still frantically racing around at the last minute, frustrated with the kids who were moving slower than their normal slow pace and resisting going into the cold garage to get shoes and coats and not wanting to let the door close behind them while they were in there and then grabbing light jackets when the windchill today is in the teens...

Why can't I accept the reality that my Christmas tree and nativity scenes are dynamic pieces, changing moment-by-moment at the hands of my very excited children? (I find myself getting really annoyed when I find my carefully-placed decorations moved. I need to just get over it, but I want to be the decorator in my house and I keep being usurped!)

Why won't kids eat the crust of bread? I never left the crusts of my sandwiches like this! (Or did I, mom?) There's good eating left on that plate (and I don't mean the grapes either)!

(Once upon a time, I sold Pampered Chef, and I got a "cut'n'seal" as part of my starter kit. It's a tool that makes a round pocket out of a sandwich. They told me that parents and kids would love it because it cut all the crusts off and fits neatly in small hands.

I thought it was a waste of perfectly good bread.

Now I understand.)

My 7-year-old 1-year-old

We have entered a bold new world in our family. Elli has progressed in her development (a good thing). Instead of being at the physical level of a 3-6 month-old, she is now more like a 1-year-old... but in a 7-year-old's body (a very bad thing).

In this new stage, Elli grabs everything that comes within reach, and we vastly underestimate the scope of her reach. I remember this now. But with a 1-year-old, you aren't dealing with the height and strength that Elli has. Up til recently, it was more of a nuisance. She gets her hands on food bowls at the table, pulls the tablecloth, grabs at toys left on the floor, and insists on practicing rolling even though she still can only roll one way and gets mad when she gets stuck.

Last week we decided that we have to strap her arms to her wheelchair while we tube-feed her so she won't pull the tube right out of her body. She refuses to obey us when we tell her not to even touch the tubing. So until she can learn some self-control (who knows how long that will be), we have to protect her by immobilizing her arms.

But even pulling her feeding tube out is relatively minor. This weekend she showed us just how much trouble she is now capable of getting into. Thursday night we had to rearrange sleeping quarters and put Elli on an air mattress on the floor. We didn't realize how much she wiggles and how far she can get, even with these leg splints she wears at night. Elli managed to tip over a night table, pull the lamp on it to her, and get her hand stuck inside it. It was a touch lamp, so she was able to turn it on and couldn't turn it off because her hand was stuck. She burned to blisters the entire inside of her pinky on the hot bulb.

What none of us can understand is why she never cried. Not when she burned it. And not after, which hurts worse and for longer than the actual burn does. We didn't realize the finger was burned until the next morning! (These are the things that haunt a mother.)

The next day, she wiggled across another floor to grab the power cord to a decorative lamp. She pulled the lamp down, breaking part of it, and somehow wrapped the cord around her neck.

We are praising God that we caught both incidents before tragedy struck. And we are praying very hard for wisdom and discernment to foresee and avert any other major problems until she gets through this stage. It's a somewhat frightening time for us, and will be very draining as we can no longer leave her unattended safely. I'm praying that she doesn't take longer than a normal 1-year-old to learn all these cause-and-effect and obedience lessons.

Mission: Impossible

Yesterday I had to return to the scene of the pirate sighting because I made a snap decision about a planner in my rush to escape. I decided to return the one I bought and get a refill (much cheaper) for the planner I already have.

While I was driving, I noticed that all of sudden Big Boy got very teary. He was quiet about it because I had gotten a call, but he was upset about something. When we arrived at the store, I asked him what was wrong.

Through his tears, he said, "That temperature thing... the Spider man one... I was holding it on the window and it fell out!"

He had dropped a Spiderman ruler onto one of the busiest roads in our town, not realizing that I had the rear windows of the van open.

I have known that losing something out those back windows was inevitable one day. Part of me was relieved that it was only a 6-inch plastic ruler. But it was part of a birthday present and he was very upset.

"Mom, please can you go back and get it?" You know those moments when your child's small tragedy grips your heart? This was one of those moments.

Images of walking the entire 5 miles looking for a black ruler on a black asphalt flitted in and immediately out of my head. Perhaps we could narrow the search field.

"Do you have any idea where we were when you lost it?" I asked. Big Boy is excellent with directions and spacial awareness. If we deviate from a known route, he notices and within seconds asks where we are going.

"It was by McDonalds."

That was do-able. 500 feet of search area was more manageable. I returned my planner and we headed to McDonalds to look for the ruler.

I wish this story had a happy ending. But despite walking along the road a couple times, I didn't find it. Fortunately, Big Boy was satisfied by my assurances that we can buy other rulers. He has reminded me several times since yesterday morning. (In fact, he planned out our entire afternoon yesterday: we were to go to a farm to pick pumpkins, then take his too-big birthday clothes back, and then find him a new ruler! Too bad I had a well-check scheduled for Little Boy and naps on the agenda for both Big Boy and Little Girl.)

But I did manage one impossible feat: I escaped the McDonalds parking lot without buying anything!

Weight Loss Plan

Scott decided a few months ago that his weight was up too high and he needed to get serious about losing. Now that I've had Little Boy, I'm also thinking about weight loss.

But we both have had a really tough time resisting those late-night, celebrate-because-the-kids-are-in-bed snacks. I'm especially fond of ice cream after 8pm, and have been telling myself it's ok because I buy light or slow-churned. But then I have been pouring on the caramel sauce and the whipped cream (real whipped cream, not whipped topping) and transforming my lite treat into these fabulous but very not-diet-friendly sundaes.

So about 2 weeks ago, we were talking about the new season of "The Biggest Loser" and I suggested that we compete with each other to see who could lose 20 pounds the fastest. I normally would never have agreed because he always loses weight faster than I do. But right now, I'm breastfeeding and my weight comes off really easily when I breastfeed. I have 20 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I need motivation.

So we agreed. And it's actually helping. Scott is amazingly self-disciplined when he decides to be. Seeing him chose to snack on apples and plums and refusing dessert and cutting sugar out of his coffee helps me make better choices too. (Of course, when one of us cheats, the other one could feel permission to cheat too...not that I'm admitting to anything!)

Scott has lost at least 6 pounds so far... probably more. I haven't lost as much.

But all that changed Thursday. I caught what Little Girl has been battling for over a week. A nasty stomach virus. Everything I've eaten has gone right through me. Talk about jump-starting weight-loss!

Yesterday I went to the doctor because I could tell that I was having trouble staying hydrated because of the extra strain breastfeeding puts on my body. When I pumped yesterday morning, I could see a huge difference in the quality of my milk.

He agreed that I had to do something right away to stop the water loss and diarrhea. He recommended a wonder-drug called "Imodium AD." It worked pretty much instantly, stopping the horrible cramping I had every time I tried to eat or drink anything.

The bad news it that this could last a week. Other adults I've heard from who had this said it took them a week to get over it. I'm praying that I heal up faster, and that Scott doesn't get it, because we have reservations at a hotel for 2 nights next week... and the kids are going to his parents!

Today, so far, I have been without a fever and have been able to eat. Now, whether my body is well enough to absorb any nutrients from my food remains to be seen. But I can guarantee I'm winning the weight loss competition right now! (Scott claims my gains will be wiped out as soon as I get better. We'll see!)

Sleep and Sacrificial Love

No, this is not a blog about the challenges of getting adequate sleep with a newborn. I knew exactly what to expect when we brought Little Boy home, and I'm thrilled that we've got him home so soon and that I'm in the throes of every-2-to-3-hour feedings.

Instead, I am writing about the mysterious sleep patterns of children with cerebral palsy. This is an problem I never anticipated, but I'm discovering that sleep issues are more the rule than the exception with these children.

We've struggled off and on with Elli and her sleep routine since she first came home at 7 weeks old. As an infant, she never took the kind of hours-long naps that I had heard babies take. Her naps were 30 minutes to the second. If I didn't run to the shower as soon as she fell asleep in the morning, I'd miss my chance. I didn't have time to get a nap myself in that time -- even in my intensely sleep-deprived state, I still couldn't quite fall sleep in 30 minutes. Or maybe I did, but a 30 minute nap was but a flickering match compared to the massive glacier of sleep deficit I had going at the time.

Night-time sleep was also a challenge, mostly because until Elli's second heart surgery, we didn't think we could safely let her "cry it out" for long. She would get dusky -- her skin would get mottled and grayish, her mouth would get white, and she would soak herself with sweat whenever she got really worked up. When she was finally stable enough, at 7 months old, to cry as long as she wanted, she had developed some bad sleeping habits. It took weeks for her to stop crying for 30-45 minutes each night at bedtime, and she never quit crying altogether. (For some perspective, the next two siblings quit crying at bedtime or naptime after 2-3 days.)

If Elli wasn't ready to go to sleep when we were ready for her to, we'd just leave her in bed and ignore her protests. Sometimes it would be 2 hours, but she wasn't really bothering anyone.

Then siblings arrived. We put Big Boy in her room really early -- within the first 3 months -- so he's always been pretty good at sleeping through her scenes. Little Girl didn't start sharing a room with Elli until a year ago, when we moved into our new home. Elli's new room also shares a wall with ours, which is a double-whammy.

Little Girl isn't a great sleeper, though her problems seem to have started with the new sleeping arrangements. She wakes up with nightmares frequently, and almost invariably cries when she wakes up, whether from a nap or in the middle of the night. Elli can handle one outburst per night, if that. If Little Girl does this more than once (and this does happen), Elli is wide awake and it will be hours before she goes back to sleep, if at all. So them sharing a room isn't working out very well -- they each disturb the other frequently.

And all of this disturbs their mother. I have that mother's ability to hear the slightest noise from any child almost immediately. It's good when someone is sick or has a legitimate need. It's a pain because it keeps me awake when someone is wide awake and making noise for hours on end. I can't tune it out. And sharing a wall with the girls' room means I hear a lot more.

We've tried disciplining her for making noise at night. We've talked to her about considering others more important than herself, about how selfish it is to keep other people up just because she is awake, about obeying her parents, and more. After months and months, we've made zero progress with her. We've concluded that this is a level of cause and effect she is incapable of understanding. The other kids got it within days.

I feel very helpless these nights. The long hours drag by and I grow increasingly angry, frustrated, and desperate. I don't function well without sleep, especially when the lack of sleep persists for days. I know this, so I try to get the rest I need to help me be a good mom and wife. To have that need deliberately sabotaged is maddening. More so when I think of how the other kids are being affected -- their sleep is of poor quality those nights and it shows the next day.

During those late hours, I have concocted elaborate and desperate solutions to this problem: taking my pillow and a blanket out to the van to sleep (not an option in the current heat wave); putting Elli down in the basement on our spare toddler bed (too far away to hear if she has a real problem and too cold); buying and installing a sound-proof practice room for her to sleep in (too expensive and I have no idea how to provide adequate ventilation); finding a boarding house where she can sleep at night and still live with us during the day (don't think it exists and I really don't like her being out from under our roof); and using Benadryl or Sudafed to force her to sleep (fine when she's sick but unacceptable long-term).

We've tried moving her to the far end of the house, but my keen mother's ears can still hear her. It helps somewhat. I recently discovered that if I move out to that end of the house and turn on a fan, I can't hear her and can sleep. This still leaves the other kids in their bedrooms close to her, but Scott thinks they just need to learn to sleep through it.

In talking with doctors and other parents, I'm learning that this is all too common for kids with CP, and is likely to continue. One mom of a 17-year-old girl said that she hasn't slept through the night in years because her daughter always needs something in the night.

So we have to find a way to manage. We've started playing classical music for the girls all night, which at least seems to help Elli be quiet when she's awake. I'd like to find a white-noise machine, but so far haven't found something that runs all night (everything has an auto-shut-off after 10-60 minutes!). We're going to try earplugs too, (on the girls -- I can't wear them or I won't hear what I need to hear!).

But if it all fails, I think we'll need to move kids around. At that point, we'll be forced to conclude that Elli can't share a room. She'll have to move to the room across the hall from ours -- it's smaller and I'll hear her less. The other three could share the larger middle room, at least to sleep. It has plenty of room for a bunk bed and another twin bed. Little Girl's clothes and dresser could be in the smaller room. And we could try to soundproof the walls between the two kids' rooms.

I have to admit it can be depressing to think about dealing with this for the rest of Elli's life. I have a hard time seeing how this could possibly be good for me. My biggest struggles with her situation have come in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope. When she was a baby and I couldn't get her back to sleep, I even punched a door frame. Bad idea. Door frames don't give at all.

I've discovered I am very selfish about my sleep. I don't take kindly to someone messing with it, though I can rise above when they are really sick or in need. This is clearly an area God is working on with me. I guess sacrificial love means even giving up my sleep when someone is being selfish and just isn't tired, not just when they've got the flu or a had a nightmare and need a hug. And since I'm such an independent person, I'm guessing God is allowing me to get so exhausted to push me to rely on Him for strength for each day. Too bad I'm a stubborn and slow learner!

We're Crazy

At least, most people think so when they see us out. What else could explain two adults choosing to have more children after their first ends up in a wheelchair and unable to speak or feed herself?

I'm pretty used to fielding questions and comments about our family. But Scott got to experience this first-hand last Friday when he took the three kids by himself to the local children's museum. I had to take diversity training that day, and everyone else in his department was on vacation, so he decided to take a day off and spend some time having fun with the kids.

We've never taken them to the children's museum, though we've heard lots of great things about it. I hated to miss it, but I was really glad he got to do something fun with them. He took some great pictures of their day. The kids did GREAT for him, and they all LOVED the museum. In fact, I'm thinking about getting a season pass there instead of to the zoo this year -- we can go to the museum in any weather and might get more use out of it.

But it's funny -- I think the thing that stood out the most to him from their outing was the impression a lone father with three kids made on all the other visitors. He said he definitely could tell people were dumbfounded by the sight.

Little Girl behind the wheel of a city bus. Scary thought!

Big Boy is VERY curious about nature and how things work now.
He loved this magnifying glass on a track --
it rolled across a display case containing all sorts of artifacts.

Elli got to visit a wheelchair-accessible treehouse inside the museum.
Scott said the whole place was very accessible to wheelchairs.

New Words

I'm reading "Climbing Parnassus: A New Apologia for Greek and Latin" by Tracy Lee Simmons. It's about truly classical education -- that which is founded upon a study of Greek and Latin languages and of Greek and Roman history, art, literature, and thought. (Some also define "classical education" as study founded on the Great Books, most of which are translated into English from their original languages.)

I'm researching schooling options for Sam and am very attracted to both types of "classical education," though rather daunted by the idea of teaching/learning Greek and Latin. I'm guessing we can't afford the tuition at the area's classical school, or at most area private Christian schools (four kids, one with special needs and one with medical needs are rather expensive to raise, let alone educate!). So we're seriously considering home-schooling as an option (though not for Elli at this time).

In reading this book, I've had to run to the dictionary about every other page. Just before lunch I ran into back-to-back words I've never encountered before -- which means I didn't get much help deciphering their meaning from the context.

The sentence occurred in this paragraph on page 20:

"Climbing Parnassus [an expression that has come to mean studying Greek and Latin languages] once helped to form the unformed mind. The arduous ascent fostered intellectual and aesthetic culture within those who had endured the strain. It helped to bring mental and even emotional order out of chaos. And a classical training still provides the surest footing for the educated mind and a high perch from which to view other periods and nations. The foundations of the modern world are viewed more competently from this height. Poetry, drama, democracy, idealism, scientific curiousity, and so much else furnishing our minds are better grasped, and better judged. We drift without classics, floating on our own deracinated, exiguous islands. And we become fodder for demagogues. We need not a revolution, but a restoration."

The following are definitions from the American Heritage Dictionary:

de·rac·i·nate (də-rās'ə-nāt') tr.v. de·rac·i·nat·ed, de·rac·i·nat·ing, de·rac·i·nates
1. To pull out by the roots; uproot. 2. To displace from one's native or accustomed environment.
[From French déraciner, from Old French desraciner : des-, de- + racine, root (from Late Latin rādīcīna, from Latin rādīx, rādīc-; see wrād- in Indo-European roots).]

ex·ig·u·ous (ĭg-zĭg'yōō-əs, ĭk-sĭg'-) adj. Extremely scanty; meager.
[From Latin exiguus, from exigere, to measure out, demand; see exact.]

I love picturesque words like this.

Cramming

Certain milestones in a child's life stand out as particularly challenging for a parent. The delivery, breastfeeding (should you choose this), sleeping through the night, learning to walk, learning to obey, and potty training all come to mind.

Somehow I seem to be cramming nearly all of these into a few short months.

I'm facing the delivery of baby #4 in less than 2 months. I've had one baby with and two without an epidural (and no, I didn't get the epidural for the first one!), and definitely prefer the calm that an epidural brings to the situation. I've considered trying to do it without again, but only because it might get me discharged faster if I don't have to wait for the epidural to wear off. Since we believe the baby will get transfered to Children's within a few hours to examine his heart and stay on top of his condition, I want to do whatever I can to get discharged quickly myself. (Before anyone freaks out, I'm not going to put my own health or safety at risk. And I know how unpredictable deliveries are. Each of my three was totally different, and my recovery time for each was differnt. Calm down!)

I forgot to ask at my last OB appointment, but I'm guessing, all else being equal, that an epidural would only add an hour or two to my stay. If that is the case, I believe it to be well worth it and I'm totally going for it. I could use one now, actually. I never dreamed that a woman's pelvis could ache and burn so badly. Seven weeks to go...

Of my three other children, two still have trouble sleeping at night. The oldest has been waking up at the ungodly hour of 5am lately. We can't figure out why. She's gotten much better at laying quietly in bed until we get her up, but then she naps during school, which isn't good either. I hope it's just a short-lived phase in her recovery.

The youngest has nightmares and loses all of her highly-advanced-for-a-two-year-old communication skills when upset. So trying to calm her down and get her back to sleep can be difficult. Scott has taken this job over as we think some of it is a ploy to get mom's attention in the middle of the night. And we both agree that she needs to get used to seeing him at night instead of me.

Because I do plan to try breastfeeding the baby. And even if I don't, I will probably do a significant number of the night-time feedings since Scott does have to go sit at a computer all day. I've decided that the 6 months of pumping I did for our oldest would be suicide for a mother of four to attempt. If this baby is unable to breastfeed within a week or two of his birth, I'll just pump for comfort til my milk is gone and switch to formula. Even if I do breastfeed, I'm not sure how long I'll last with three other kids who will very quickly learn that breastfeeding means mommy can't intervene as easily.

Which leads me to another disturbing trend. Lately I've been wondering if I'm speaking English in our house. The younger two, in particular, have developed the despicable habit of completely ignoring me. I'm not sure if this developed during Elli's recent hospitalization when they had multiple caregivers, if I've gotten lax in my enforcement of the "obey the first time or you suffer consequences" policy because of all the care Elli has required and because of my utter exhaustion of late, or if this is a phase they just so happen to both be going through simultaneously. Regardless of the origin, it has made life very difficult at our house lately. The remedy is grueling work to really only say something once and then follow through with action.

Adding to the complexity of all of the above, I've taken on toilet training Little Girl. The clock is ticking and I really really don't want to have three in diapers and one with dubious bowel control at one time.

(Before training a boy, I never would have understood why someone would invent disposable hand covers...)

Even though I know that the less-than-eight-weeks I have before the baby arrives is very short and she'll probably relapse when the baby finally arrives home, I want to get some good hard work in now so we can settle back into it when the dust settles.

So, for those of you who actually see me in person over the next several months, if I seem extraordinarily cranky, please don't take it personally. I've probably just cleaned up the 18th accident of the day and run out of both underwear for the kids and carpet cleaner for my new partner-in-crime, the Bissell Little Green Machine.

Happy Mother's Day

Today Big Boy 's school hosted a Mommy Party, and despite having to pick up Elli from school with a sky-high fever just before the party started, I managed to still make it thanks to a very accommodating friend. She stayed at my house with both girls, so I could have a mother/son date with Big Boy .

He has been looking forward to this for weeks. All this week he's been reminding me that they are supposed to wear Sunday clothes. So I put on a khaki skirt and a black sleeveless shirt this morning. As we were getting Little Girl dressed, he looked at my clothes and said, "Mom. You're supposed to wear a really nice dress." When I assured him this was something I'd wear to church and that I don't have much that fits over my tummy these days, he repeated himself, "Mom, you need to wear a fancy dress."

So my son sent me back to my room to change into more suitable attire for our date.


Each of the kids made their mom one of these beautiful hats. Most of us wore them for the tea, though mine didn't sit down on my head very far. We had a very floral, English garden color scheme!

One of the other things Big Boy made as a gift was a paper called "Joy ____ -- My Great Mom." He provided all the answers to a series of questions about me.

My Mommy is 58 years old.
Her hair is brown and her eyes are green.
My mommy's favorite color is black.
My mommy's favorite thing to wear is church clothes.
My mommy loves to cook spaghetti.
My mommy hates to clean my room.
My mommy's favorite TV show is the news.
My mommy's favorite food is sandwiches.
My mommy's job is to clean my house.
My daddy calls my mommy "Joy."
My mommy always tells me "you can play outside."
Something that makes my mommy happy is when I give her a hug and a kiss.
When my mommy goes shopping, she loves to buy bread.
If my mommy could go on a trip, she would go to the beach and she would take a boat.
I really love it when mommy tucks me into bed.
She's the best! I love you mommy!

He actually got quite a few right... though a number are hilariously inaccurate. This house is "his" house? And my job is to clean his house? I think his future wife might have something to say about that (or maybe she'll think that's a fine arrangement... who knows?).

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there.

Especially to mine. I'm thankful that you endured all the trials, filth, disrespect, and failure to appreciate you. Every day I'm a mom I grasp a little more what you did for us. I love you and I'm so glad we live closer now!

Santa

Today Elli had an opthamology appointment at Children's. She needed her eyes dilated, so we had to kill half an hour while the drops took effect. I took the kids on a walk, dropped her wheelchair tray off finally to get some adjustments made (I've been trying to remember this for 2 months), and stopped by my office to get some letterhead and envelopes for a mailing I need to do.

I'm very fortunate to work with people who love kids. My office is in the Family Resource Center, full of books and toys and games to give kids something fun to do. My coworkers all came out to see them, exclaim about my hair...

(Oh. Did I mention I did something with my hair on Saturday?
No?
Sorry. I did.
I'm donating that ponytail to Locks of Love. If you get the urge to chop more than 10 inches off your hair, I highly recommend donating it to this organization. They make wigs for children suffering hair loss from cancer treatments.)

I take no responsibility for the girl's Easter hat Big Boy is wearing.

...and ask the kids about Christmas. They talked to the kids while I grabbed what I needed in the office.

My boss asked Big Boy if he was excited about Santa bringing gifts for Christmas.

He replied, "Santa is just a story."

She was horrified, and protested, "No ___! Santa is real! He brings gifts on Christmas Eve! If you really believe, he is real." Then she hurried back to tell me in secret that I needed to do some major damage control because someone had already ruined Christmas for my only-four-years-old son.

"Who would tell him something like that?" she cried.

"I did."

"Why?" She just couldn't believe that we could have Christmas without Santa.

Tonight at dinner, Big Boy said, "Mom, your work girl said that Santa is real." He said it again at bedtime. We explained that it's a fun story just like the cat in the hat, Dora the Explorer, and the Higglytown Heroes, but the real celebration is that God became man and was born a baby.

Big Boy protested. "But Mom, your work girl said that Santa is real."

"Who are you going to believe? Your parents, or someone from work?" I asked, a bit offended.

"Someone from work."

I guess I asked for it.

Sadness

I had all sorts of chipper little things to share today, like how I planted 100 iris bulbs yesterday afternoon. Or how the kids actually had a pretty good day in spite of the diarrhea thing. Or how Elli ate a really good dinner last night. Or how excited the kids are getting about the birthday party tomorrow (this is mostly about Gramma, Grampa, Mamaw, and Papaw coming over!). Or how I finished Elli's birthday socks last night (That felt good. Very good.)

And then the bad news started pouring in.

A friend's 10-month old baby just got diagnosed last week with SMA. They will find out next week, probably Tuesday, if he is Type I or Type II, but suspicions are that he is Type I, the most severe and devastating kind. I couldn't sleep last night, trying to figure out how to pray and just grieving for them, for the baby.

Another friend's mother just got diagnosed with lung cancer, in addition to the bone cancer she's been battling for the past few years. She's young - in her 50s - and a non-smoker.

We have a number of siblings between us who are looking for work and trying to make ends meet in very difficult financial situations. They are in various stages of discouragement and frustration.

It's all so very sad, especially since I feel powerless to help in any tangible way (to my eyes). I know that prayer is a powerful thing, but sometimes it doesn't seem like much to my human, finite mind. And that same human, finite mind only wants to see the hopelessness, pain, and futility of life.

My minor little frustrations, like Big Boy still being sick this morning and the house being in total disarray, seem more discouraging. Yet, I'm not the one in the difficult situation. Well, we've certainly had our challenges lately, but you know what I mean. We're not facing that level of difficulty right now. All in all, things are looking fairly positive for our little family at this moment.

I think my problem is that with the kids being sick... with sickness in our house for so many weeks in a row... I am worn out. I haven't had time for a lot of the things I normally do, and I haven't made time for some of the things I need to do, like read my Bible and pray every day. That has been sapping my spiritual strength. And that starts the slide down into gloom and doom.

With three demanding children (demanding because of their illnesses - they aren't normally high-maintenance kids), it's incredibly difficult to read or take time for myself during the day. I'm having a tough time even finding time to eat (or inspiration to fix something for just myself). And with all the additional demands, I've been too tired by the end of the day to make myself read and pray in the evening. The kids have been waking up too early and beating me to it in the morning. And I apparently lack the self-discipline and motivation to figure something out when my original plans don't work out.

What I need to do when I start looking at things through human eyes is rely on the Word of God to find hope and joy and comfort to give others. But I have to preach His truth to my own heart first before I can really reach out in ways that aren't trite and pithy. The Psalms are especially dear, as David was such an honest and open poet. He got discouraged and sad and angry, just like everyone. But he always brought himself back to the goodness of God and the hope that we all have in the future righting of all the wrongs when Christ returns.

I also remember the words of a song that has always moved me. I can't listen to it without tearing up. It's such an important reminder that although I am filled with, as the Bible says, "only evil continually" and deserve only eternal punishment, God, in His infinite mercy, has chosen to spare me from that judgement that I fully deserve. This is far more blessing than I could dare to ask for. So even if this life is filled with hardship and heartache and I never know any earthly joy, if I am His child, I am infinitely blessed and can proclaim that God is good!

If I never get to see another rainbow
Or share another laugh with a friend
If I never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child goodnight again

If I never have another prayer that's answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I know of heaven's kindness
Father I would still have to say...

You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me

You have shown me mercy upon mercy
Grace upon grace
Time after time
And I know all too well what I'm deserving
Yet You are still so patient and kind

You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me

If suddenly it all were ended
And your blessings disappear
Looking back over a lifetime
The evidence is clear

You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me
In so many ways
You've been good to me

- by Scott Krippayne, from the album Bright Star, Blue Sky

So, on that note, I need to get it together, do that long-overdue reading, spend some time in prayer, send some notes in the mail, and try to get this house in better, more germ-free order. Oh yeah, and give lots of hugs to the kiddos.

Posting Schedule/Scheduling in General

I have decided that a reasonable goal is to post to this blog once a week. I need time to research and write the articles I'm planning and realistically, that's going to take at least a week!

I'm still trying to figure out time management. Being a stay-at-home mom is really challenging in this area. I NEED to be disciplined and organized, but these characteristics are not inherent in the job. The mom has to create structure and maintain it herself. I have grand ideas about how to set things up and get all sorts of things done, but I always fail to allow for the inevitable interruptions and I haven't yet come up with a great strategy for getting back on track once I've been derailed!

Here's an example:

I decide that today's big task is getting paperwork filed. I dive into my pile of "to-be-filed" stuff and just as I begin to make some headway with organizing the papers, Big Boy comes running in. "Mommy, gotta go potty!" I encourage him to go on his own. "Mommy help?" He refuses to go without help and starts dancing around.

I put everything down in a hurry, trying to get him to the toilet before he gets his underwear wet. He has waited too long again and can't quite get there and get his pants down in time. He decides he needs to sit on the potty and do BM, so while he's working on that, I get a change of clothes out for him.

While I'm in his room, I discover that his bedding is damp and needs to be washed, so I strip the bed. I check on him and he says he isn't done yet, so I strip Big Girl's bed and start a load of laundry. He's finally done, so we wipe, wash hands, and put fresh clothes on. The soap dispenser needs a refill, so I fill it back up. I wipe down the sink and toilet with disinfecting wipes because Big Boy dribbled on the toilet and the sink just needs it.

By now it has been 15-20 minutes since I got up from the filing task and I realize that it's now 4:30pm and I need to start dinner. If I'm lucky, I'll remember to move the laundry along and make the kids' beds back up before bedtime, but that's only if I am making a dinner that I can leave for a few minutes to do that (and if I remember to do it and don't find something else to do!).

So the pile of papers actually looks worse than it did, even though it's sort of organized into categories. It's spread out in piles on the desk and on the floor around the desk, waiting for labeled file folders. I don't have time to finish the task and I can't leave it all out or Big Boy will put his touch on the filing and I'll have to start all over. So I pile it back up and put it back on the desk for another day. It doesn't look like I've accomplished anything and I'm discouraged because I really did spend time on it but I have nothing to show for it.

Like I said, I haven't figured out the remedy here. Ok, well, I DO know one remedy for the filing situation -- I should file the papers when they come into the house instead of building a pile that takes an hour to sort and file! But not all tasks are like that. I'm working on my bad filing habits but I have to eliminate the current pile first and then train myself to file the mail and the paperwork from meetings the day I get home. Then it will only take 5 minutes and I can find 5 minutes any time!