While in Labor

I'm really not crazy. This is a GREAT way to spend the long hours waiting for baby to arrive.

Mother of Four

Luke goes for a ride in the pediatric transport unit.

I am blogging from the cardiac intensive care unit, next to the bed of our 2-day old son! How things have changed in 7 1/2 years. It's much easier to keep people up-to-date now, with internet in every room and websites like this one. Now if only I could prop my eyelids open and think cleary enough to write a coherent sentence. Here goes...

Our son arrived Monday evening, rather reluctantly. (We scheduled an induction, which is a first for me. I usually have babies early.) My body, on the other hand, was happy to boot him out, so his opinion didn't count for much. The delivery went really smoothly, aside from the multiple attempts to get an IV into me and the late arrival of the pediatric team for the baby! He came so fast, despite my best efforts to slow it down (the only baby I actually didn't push out) that they walked in as he slid into the doctor's hands. That's cutting things a bit too close, but in their defense, another delivery was going sour across the hall.

Luke transferred to Children's a few hours later, but I got to hold him a couple times. He's doing amazingly well, though at this point it looks like he'll need multiple surgeries over the next few years. We're hoping to start feedings tomorrow and we might even be home by the end of the weekend. I'm doing pretty well, recovery-wise. However, Scott and I are both exhausted from trying to be home for the kids but also here enough to talk to the doctors too.

P.S. Brooke and Brenda, I'd like you to know that I've been knitting. In fact, I actually finished the outfit for Luke the night before he was born, and half-finished a matching hat while in labor. My mom has photographic proof of me knitting in the delivery room. Aren't you proud?!

Hopeful

I just found a conference that I would LOVE to attend. It's about the endurance of the saints. Endurance is definitely a concept that I need help and encouragement with. I know every Christian faces problems that God, for whatever reason, doesn't allow to immediately resolve. These are "thorns in the flesh" like Paul had -- issues or challenges that we pray for God to remove that He chooses not to. We then have to learn how to glorify and trust Him through those things.

In my case, my challenge is really my daughter's challenge. We will always be heavily involved in her care though -- the likelihood of her becoming completely independent is small. She is very smart, but very physically limited. I'd be ecstatic if she proved me wrong, and I hope she has the type of stick-to-it-iveness that says, "You may think I can't do ___, but I'll show you!" However, as a parent, even if she is physically more independent in the future, I'll always be watching and monitoring and evaluating her health and medical situation. It's a mom thing, plus her health is so complex and so easily affected by small things.

So we're looking at a long road with Elli, and we've already been quite a ways down that road. It's downright terrifying at points, though we certainly have great times and beautiful experiences.

Now we're waiting for the arrival of another child with known medical issues. His may not end up nearly as complicated or as limited as Elli's (and we pray they don't). But we do know that he'll need to be monitored his entire life. We've met some parents of children born with his cardiac defect, and many of those kids live totally normal lives with no restrictions. But others have significant restrictions and ongoing concerns. We'll know soon which way our road with him will lean, but either way, it's going to be added weight to our shoulders.

So... I happened to be on the Desiring God website last week, when I spotted this in the lower right corner.


I was immediately intrigued. Endurance as a topic for a conference? This sounds like something I could really use.

So I clicked the link and read the description. First, the conference is the weekend closest to our wedding anniversary this year. Second, it features some amazing speakers, including Jerry Bridges. His book, "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" has been within arm's reach for the past 4 months, since we learned of Luke's diagnosis. And this isn't the first time I've read and re-read it.

Here's part of the invitation to attend. It almost makes me drool with anticipation:

Our hope is that God would use this conference as one small means to make rugged endurance in the hard path of obedience a beautiful and longed-for virtue among our vacillating generation. Younger people today think of changing, leaving, shifting, moving, modifying, and swapping in order to enhance life—almost anything but enduring. People quit. They move. They change their minds. A long, hard, steady, hold-the-course obedience is a rare and wonderful thing.

We would love to elevate the virtue of perseverance. We treasure the phrase “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:58). Can you dream with us that perseverance and constancy and patience and fortitude and courage and covenant-keeping would become dominant virtues among God’s people in decades to come?

[section describing each speaker]

You can see the plan. Four spheres of faithfulness: the pastorate, faithfulness and holiness through suffering and loss, radical obedience in the culture wars, and world missions. We are praying that God will use these faithful witnesses to awaken and solidify rugged, Christ-exalting endurance in the people who attend the conference.

If you long to stand firm to the end and would like help, we hope you will come. If you see what seems like insurmountable obstacles in front of you, we hope you come. If someone you love is ready to walk away from the path of obedience, we hope you find help here for how to minister. And if you dream with us about a Christian culture-shift from short-lived experiments to life-long commitments, we hope you will pray for God’s blessing on this effort.

Wow. This really fits where I'm at spiritually right now. So Scott and I are praying that God would somehow make it possible for us to get to this conference. I have no idea how it can happen since it's just a little more than 2 months and a long day's drive away. The birth of a baby and final diagnosis of his situation also sits between now and then. But if He wants us to go, He'll make a way.

And if not, Desiringgod.org will probably podcast the sessions afterward. They've done this with many of their recent conferences. Maybe we can create our own little mini-retreat every evening for a week while we listen to the speakers after the kids go to bed!

Narrow Escape

Ever see a cat being walked on a leash?

This morning, as the kids and I were leaving Sam's swimming lesson, they spotted a puppy way up ahead, on a long leash. Immediately the requests started.

Sam: "Mom, can we pet the dog?"

Me: "No. We don't know them or the dog." (I'm trying very hard to instill a tiny bit of caution around strange animals. Doesn't seem to be working yet.)

Sam: "But can we at least ask what his name is?"

Anna: "I want to pet the doggie too."

As we get closer and closer, I am increasingly confused. What kind of puppy is this?

Suddenly, and all at the same time, we all realize.

It's a kitten.

The kids were fascinated by the concept. Watch out, Jazz. I had many flashbacks to attempts to walk my childhood cat, Moonbeam. This kitten was actually walking on the leash instead of fighting it. Amazing.

I asked the people why they had a cat on a leash. Their answer was, "We found her and we can't keep her. We're trying to find another home, and the leash keeps her from running away."

My common sense responded, "Good luck!" and propelled me on to the parking lot. It wasn't until a few minutes later, after they had disappeared, that the sentimental part of me kicked in. "Awww... that was such a cute little tabby! The kids would love a kitten! I should have taken it!" I even drove around a little to see if I could figure out where they went. No sign of them.

Whew. What a narrow escape. I'm sure Scott would agree that a new kitten is the last thing we need with a baby coming any day now!

Dental Smackdown

Today I go to the dentist for the first time in a year and a half. I know that plenty of people don't have dental coverage at all, so this may seem like a pitifully short time between visits. But I know that you're supposed to go every 6 months.

Part of the problem is that I don't really like my dentist. We started going to him several years ago after getting bitten pretty hard by the fiasco that is dental insurance. We supposedly have 100% coverage on preventative maintenance. So we found this great practice and started going. And then we started getting these bills. I called, and found out that the dental insruance people determine what a "fair and reasonable charge" is, and pay their percentage of that, not the total bill. And we were getting stuck paying the rest of it.

I started calling around to see if this was the norm, and found our current guy, who doesn't bill for any remaining charges on routine, preventative stuff. I could call around again and see if anyone else operates like that... but I just don't have time right now.

My other excuse is that I don't want to take the kids, and this past year has been extremely difficult to coordinate because so many of us got sick so frequently. In fact, the constant stream of germs in and out of our home made it almost impossible to have guests over. The only times we seemed to succeed were when we would suddenly realize, "Hey! Everyone's healthy today! And we have enough food! Let's call so-and-so!" And if they were free at at that moment, it happened. I think that every time I've scheduled something ahead, I've had to reschedule at least once. When Elli ended up in the hospital, I gave up altogether.

So it suddenly hit me a few weeks ago that when Luke arrives, it's going to be that much more difficult to get the stars aligned so I can get to doctor and dentist appointments myself. So I finally called.

And the dentist was out of the country for two weeks.

Today is the first day he's back, and honestly, I doubted whether Luke would wait long enough for me to get in. But he has cooperated well this week (though last night I started wondering).

I've been floss-cramming for the past two weeks in hopes that my gums won't bleed like a stuck pig. Two weeks is usually enough to fool the floss police, but when you're pregnant, it doesn't always work. It does make a good excuse though, so I shouldn't get preached at too badly today. Here's hoping I am still cavity-free!

Battling Fear

This weekend the impending delivery hit me in a way it hasn't since the first weeks that we learned of Luke's heart condition. I think that I could shove it out of my mind as far ahead in the future... until this weekend I realized that he really could appear any time. And that means that the medical unknown lies just a few short moments/hours/days ahead.

With this realization came an onslaught of fear that I wasn't prepared for. All day Sunday in particular, thoughts would come out of nowhere and drop me into a teary emotional mess.

As a woman who professes to trust in a sovereign, loving God who has adopted her as His child, this is not the way I should be responding to Luke's situation. Over the past few days I've been praying and reading, trying to find the root of my fear and address it head-on with God's Word.

I realized pretty quickly that giving in to fear is a sin of unbelief. If I allow myself to wallow in fear of the future, I am refusing to believe the countless promises God has given throughout the Bible that He is in control of all things and takes care of His children and works all things for good and provides abundant grace for each day, whether that day contains household chores or the delivery of a medically-fragile baby.

Sunday afternoon I went to Bible Gateway, where I typed in "fear" and began a quick survey of what the Bible says about fear. I didn't read every single passage (over 300 came up), but I read quite a few of them and found that they could be grouped into three broad categories.

By far, the large majority of the references to fear appeared in the phrase "fear of God" or "fear of the LORD." This is a godly fear that recognizes God's power and therefore the tremendous privilege we have to even exist before Him in our unholy, sinful state. Yet, not only does He allow us to continue living, despite our ongoing defiance and rebellion against Him, but He has chosen to rescue some of us and work inside us to root out that sin and mold us into godly, loving, merciful, forgiving people.

Here's one passage that really jumped off the page describing this godly fear:

1 Chronicles 16:23-34
23 Sing to the LORD, all the earth;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
24 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
25 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.
26 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.
27 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and joy in his dwelling place.
28 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength,
29 ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name.
Bring an offering and come before him;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his [d] holiness.
30 Tremble before him, all the earth!
The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.
31 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!"
32 Let the sea resound, and all that is in it;
let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them!
33 Then the trees of the forest will sing,
they will sing for joy before the LORD,
for he comes to judge the earth.
34 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

The next set of passages addresses sinful fear, the kind that demonstrates unbelief in God. Job very aptly describes how it feels to surrender to this kind of fear. He had endured horrific losses just prior to voicing this and was beginning to believe there was no point in living.

Job 3:23-26
23 Why is life given to a man
whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
24 For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.

I also found a third kind of reference to fear: godly responses to sinful fear. Many of the verses
that described the fear of the Lord were full of promises and descriptions of God, which I poured onto my heart liberally. But this third kind of verse soothed the ache as well.

For example, at the very end of Job, God finally silences him and his friends with a powerful statement of His vast superiority to humankind. Here's just a small taste (to get the full effect, start reading in Job 39).

Job 40:6-14
6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:
7 "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
8 "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,
12 look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

What possible response can there be to something like this? I certainly can't thunder like God, nor can I bring the proud low or crush the wicked, much as I would like to. Job too immediately fell on his face before God.

Job 42
1 Then Job replied to the LORD :
2 "I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

King David faced many frightening situations during his life, and wrote out his prayers about many of them in the Psalms of David. I've been reading these almost daily since March, and have been struck by how he describes these terrifying circumstances and then preaches God's promises to himself. He reminds himself of the right way to think, based on what he knows to be true about God, and it completely changes his perspective on what is happening. Here is a short example, but the Psalms are full of great examples of godly prayer about real, difficult situations.

Psalm 3
A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.
1 O LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
"God will not deliver him."
Selah [a]
3 But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift [b] up my head.
4 To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah

5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
6 I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.
7 Arise, O LORD!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8 From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah

I am still struggling to remember God's promises as I count contractions, gather things for the hospital, and pull together contingency plans for every possibility. But spending some time reminding myself who God is and what He has promised is an amazingly effective (though it shouldn't surprise me) antidote to fear.

I'm Back

I've decided to keep the blog up. I'm still thinking about focusing the content more. I've included a vast hodgepodge of content for the past two years, and I think it's time for a change.

In school I was taught that the best writing is disciplined. You establish limits of some kind, whether it's length or subject matter or voice or style and work hard to stay within those limits. Doing this helps you to write more accurately (find exactly the right words to communicate what you want) and more concisely (use the fewest words possible).

Both of these -- accuracy and concision -- do not come naturally to any of us. When in conversation, I tend to repeat myself a lot and flounder around for the right words. Out loud. Writing allows me the time to think carefully and seize upon exactly the word or phrase I want. I can also go back and edit, removing or rewording all my repetitions. I like that. I always have.

One of the reasons I started blogging two years ago was to motivate myself to write more. Once I graduated college, started working, married, and had children, writing fell to the wayside. I've tried keeping journals both in notebooks (I love notebooks) and in a word processor. Handwriting takes too long for this busy mom and editing it either results in ugly pages or a long rewrite. For some reason, I never could get into keeping the journal on my laptop, even though the results are neater. (Guess it isn't enough like a notebook for me!)

Keeping a blog provided the key missing ingredient -- accountability. My family and close friends knew I was doing this and were dropping by to read. Wah-lah! Motivation!

Now that I've established the habit of writing regularly, I want to challenge myself again. I need limits to discipline my writing more. But I'm just not sure yet what that will look like.

For now, I'm going to keep things the same. With a baby due to arrive any day, it doesn't seem a good time to make big changes.

That said, I don't plan to post much about the baby here (though perhaps a birth announcement), which means I may not post much for awhile after he's born. All my writing time will go first to updating our Carepage and our password-protected family scrapbook. If you are interested in reading these, email me at grammar dot punctuation at yahoo dot com.

Happy Birthdays

The first weekend in July, or the last weekend in June, is always a time of celebration in our family. My mom's and my sister's birthdays are back-to-back at that time, so we always make a weekend of it.

This year was especially fun because my niece just recently mastered walking. All the adults got quite a kick out of watching Sam and Anna's reactions to their cousin's newfound skill. Suddenly they realized she isn't a baby anymore! They enjoyed playing with each other, especially racing around the loop between the kitchen, living room, and dining room.

Sam and Anna competing for who could be most "helpful"
to Gramma as she unwrapped her birthday presents.

Millie was captivated by Dad's wiggly mustache.
I missed it with the camera, but she even reached
out and brushed it really fast, just to see what would happen!

A very rare photo of Scott and I together.

Sam and Anna cavorting in the wading pool. Neither cool breezes
nor goosebumps could dissuade them from swimming.
They take after their mom!

Millie wonders how her aunt is making that strange flashing
light with that tiny, shiny metal box.

Happy 5th anniversary, Sharyne and Royce!
May you be blessed with many more!

Psalm 37:23-24

The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the LORD upholds his hand.

As a mom, I've helped two children learn to walk, so far. This verse brought those days back to mind -- a little hand clutching mine as unsteady feet toddled along. Every time they would trip, my hand would hold them up and keep them from sprawling on the ground, skinning elbows and knees.

I read this Psalm this morning and resonated with this picture of how God walks with us on the road of life, holding our hands and protecting us when we fall. It's been a challenging week for me, in many ways. Today I managed to squeeze in a few quite moments out on the back deck before the day really took off. I read some Psalms to remind myself of God's promises to forgive and to strengthen us when we are weak. Reading the Bible every morning isn't a magic holiness pill or anything -- I still have a responsibility to do the hard work of living out my faith -- but it sure helps to start the day with the proper perspective on life and my place in it.