These Strange Ashes

I read "These Strange Ashes: Is God Still in Charge?" by Elizabeth Elliot in less than a day. In it, she tells the story of her first year as a missionary. It's a very easy read, but it is full of insights about the difficulties we face in life. I really like how direct a writer Elizabeth Elliot is. She has learned so much, but at tremendous cost. I plan to read more of her books.

Here are a few treasures I discovered along the way.

"Erik Erikson has said that maturity means maintaining continuity with the past in the presence of growth and change. It is a painful process. ... It was only gradually that I came to understand that some things were meant to be cherished, and not sacrificed. God was responsible for my parentage, my nationality, and my upbringing. He had called me, and He had called me by name, and He would not bypass what I was or the things that had made me what I was."

(In reflecting on the beauty of the jungle and its inhabitants)

"My mind soared, trying to comprehend it all, and I found it easy to worship the God who showed Himself in these things. But were the poisonous snakes and the vampire bats, the cockroach worms and the scorpions, also necessary to the world's harmony? That question took me back to the beginnings of things, to the great Unanswerable: Was sin necessary? Could men have lived in a world without suffering?

I did not know the answer then. I do not know it now. But I think during that first eventful year as a jungle missionary I had my inkling that it is not a tidy world we live in. It is not a world we can deal with sentimentally. The God of the 'pretty, precious little bird' is the God of that fierce creature 'whose sneezings flash forth light,' 'whose heart is hard as stone.' But I was learning, too, in what I saw around me, in the life of the forest, and what I found within me of hope, disappointments, and confusions, that underneath are the Everlasting Arms."

(After the one person who could help her learn the native language was murdered)

"As I look back on that time, I think it was Lesson One for me in the school of faith. That is, it was my first experience of having to bow down before that which I could not possibly explain. Usually we need not bow. We can simply ignore the unexplainable because we have other things to occupy our minds. We sweep it under the rug. We evade the questions. Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain. If God were God, if He were omnipotent, if He had cared, would this have happened? Is this that I face now the ratification of my calling, the reward of obedience? One turns in disbelief again from the circumstances and looks into the abyss. But in the abyss there is only blackness, non glimmer of light, no answering echo.

"When I was sixteen years old, I copied in the back of my Bible a prayer of Betty Scott Stam's, whose visit in our home when I was very small had made such a deep impression on me. Her prayer: 'Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all, utterly to thee to be thine forever. Fill me and seal me with they Holy Spirit, use me as thou wilt, send me where thou wilt, work out they whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever.' The cost, for her, was quite literally her life only a few years after she had prayed that prayer.

"I felt like a son who had asked for a fish and been given a scorpion. I had honestly (surely it was honestly?) desired God. I wanted to do His will. ... It was a long time before I came to the realization that it is in our acceptance of what is given that God gives Himself. Even the Son of God had to learn obedience by the things that He suffered. He had come for only one purpose: 'Lo, I come, in the volume of the book it is written of me, to do thy will O God.' And His reward was desolation, crucifixion.

"Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all. 'Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.' This grief, this sorrow, this total loss that empties my hands and breaks my heart, I may, if I will, accept, and by accepting it, I find in my hands something to offer. And so I give it back to Him, who in mysterious exchange gives himself to me."

Final thoughts as she looked back on the four "kindergarten lessons" she learned that first year:

"Faith, prayer, and obedience are our requirements. We are not offered in exchange immunity and exemption from the world's woes. What we are offered has to do with another world altogether."

"As we learn to know God, we learn that His ways are past finding out. We gaze into the abyss and cry "Why?" Seldom does the Lord of the Universe explain himself in any terms other than those found in His holy Word. 'The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law' (Dt 29:29)."

"God makes no mistakes. he does not fall asleep. He does not forget His loved children. He asks us, every day, no matter what circumstances or adversities we find ourselves in, to trust and obey. He has so arranged things that we may not often fathom His sovereign purposes, but now and then He vouchsafes to us a glimpse of what He is up to."

Supervision

Yesterday, Sam asked Scott, "Dad, can I go outside?"

Scott replied, "There isn't anyone to watch you if you go outside."

"Yes there is. God is watching me," Sam responded.

-----


Anna's skills at drawing have completely transformed this summer. Her drawings used to be swirls and scribbles. Now she actually draws recognizable figures with faces, hands, legs, and hair. I will never get over my amazement seeing a child develop at the "normal" rate.

WHY Do I Worry???

It's such a waste of energy and time and honestly, it's sin. It's failure to trust God to take care of things.

He's proven Himself again this week. And while I'm rejoicing in His provision, I'm so convicted of all the moaning and groaning and worrying and lack of trusting I've been doing. A friend told me recently that she keeps a "blessings journal" so that when she's discouraged, she can go back and read what God has done in the past and remind herself to trust. I write here in part to do that, but it doesn't help if I don't go back and read it myself!

Anyway, you're probably wondering what's happened. I'm still wrapping my head around it, but I'll try to articulate what a blessing we were given on Friday.

We've been on a waiting list for a waiver since Elli was 3 years old. We actually got onto two lists at the same time, and were given one about four years ago.

"What's a waiver?" you ask.

In our state, and many others across the U.S., states receive money from the federal SCHIP program (state children's health insurance program). Some of the money goes to provide medical care for uninsured children (CHIP). This is an income-based program. Other money goes to help families in the middle, who earn too much to qualify for need-based help but who face massive medical costs over and above what their insurance will pay. Some insurance plans still leave families with insurmountable co-insurance, and others stop paying after you reach a certain dollar amount (e.g. $1 million). Still others don't cover certain kinds of treatment or equipment. None of them pay for the modifications needed to accommodate a person in a wheelchair.

So states created waivers, which look at the child's needs, not the family's income or insurance coverage. With the cost of healthcare sky-rocketing, and with medicine advancing to the point that many more children are surviving catastrophic illnesses, birth defects, and injuries, the need for waivers has increased dramatically. Right now, if you get on the waiting list, they tell you to expect at least a 10 year wait.

But because we're fighting a war in Iraq and running a massive deficit, many in Congress are reluctant to increase the money allotted for the SCHIP program (you may remember hearing about the SCHIP reauthorization bill last fall and early this year). So the states don't have the money to create any new waivers. A child has to die for a child on the waiting list to get a waiver.

We got a call on Friday that Elli had finally reached the top of the list and was being awarded what they call here the I.O. waiver. It was sad to realize that someone had lost their child recently. I have been praying for them even as we've moved forward to get this finalized.

We did all the paperwork on Monday. We found out today that Elli's complex medical needs qualify her for a massive amount of financial assistance. In fact, our case worker said she had never seen anyone qualify for this high a number.

Aside from the financial relief this will bring us, and the countless ways it will enable us to help Elli by adapting our home and vehicles to fit her needs, this is a huge validation of the load we've been carrying. The money they allotted her is what they estimate it will take to care for her each year when we're too old or sick to care for her ourselves. It confirms what I've been feeling the last few years as her care has gotten steadily more and more complex.

We are praising God because we can finally have a helper dedicated to Elli 30 hours per week or more if needed. We can finally afford the ramps we need to get her and her wheelchair in and out of our home. We will be able to purchase a van with all the features she and a new powerchair will need for the next several years.

And one thing that really excites me -- this help will allow us to "pay it forward" and pass along some of the blessings and assistance we've received to others in need. And being able to give to someone else is an even greater blessing than receiving. We know first-hand how tough it is and what an encouragement it is to receive much-needed help.

Thank you God!

Snippets of Summer

I'm doing better at enjoying the moments, instead of being consumed by all the work that needs to be done. Here is some of the random summer joy I've found the past couple of weeks.

Little Boy had to get in on the "treats on the towel" action too!
(Older Boy and Little Boy have ice cream; Little Boy goldfish crackers.)

"Your pasta is perfect for pick-up-sticks, Mom!"

Elli had such fun playing in the water at the Children's Museum

Nothing beats hot chocolate on a cold June morning
after swimming lessons at the outdoor pool.

A little preview of Older Boy with a mustache.

True Religion

I read this today in "The Valley of Vision" and it resonated with me. I thought I'd share it with you this afternoon.

Lord God Almighty,
I ask not to be enrolled amongst the earthly great and rich,
but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.
Make it my present, supreme, persevering concern
to obtain those blessings which are
spiritual in their nature,
eternal in their continuance,
satisfying in their possession.
Preserve me from a false estimate of the whole or a part
of my character;
May I pay regard to
my principles as well as my conduct,
my motives as well as my actions.
Help me
never to mistake the excitement of my passions
for the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
never to judge my religion by occasional impressions and impulses,
but by my constant and prevailing disposition.
May my heart be right with You, and my life as becomes the gospel.
May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,
and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.
Afford me all the direction, defense, support, and consolation
my journey there requires,
and grant me a mind stayed upon You.
Give me large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
that I may be prepared for every duty,
love You in all my mercies,
submit to You in every trial,
trust You when walking in darkness,
have peace in You in the midst of life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief and uncertainties.

Whose Economy?

We got our "economic stimulus package" the other day. As a family of six, ours was quite large. And, as is probably typical for everyone, we've spent it fifteen different ways in our heads over the months of waiting.

The politicians wants all of us to pour this money into the consumer market, thus stimulating the economy as a whole (hence the name).

But what is the wisest use of this money? It was earned by us, given to the government in the form of taxes to support the many services provided by the government (some we like and some we don't, but that's the nature of government, isn't it?). And now, for a myriad of reasons, the powers that be (and the Power That Is) have chosen to give this much back to us. But in a way, it's money with strings attached. The whole idea of these checks is for the recipients to spend them on consumer goods and thereby pour billions of dollars into our struggling economy.

Sure, we would love to go out and splurge on ourselves and our family. It would be fun to spend it all on stuff that we wouldn't ordinarily have gotten this year.

But God has given us this money, not the politicians, and He tells us to make wise use of it. We've talked and prayed a lot about it, and have chosen to put the bulk of it towards our family's economy -- paying down the one remaining debt we have aside from our house. This check gets us within spitting distance of paying that debt off completely. And while this doesn't directly benefit the economy as a whole, it sure will make a difference to us! Having that debt paid off will allow us much more flexibility to give more, save more, and purchase a newer handicap-accessible van when the one we're driving now finally dies (every year we pray that God will keep it running one more year, and so far He has!). It is improving our financial health and is a great blessing.

A much smaller percentage of it has been designated our vacation fund for this year. Because our entire summer schedule was reorganized for us when everyone got sick, we have had to cancel our vacation plans. (Note to self: don't forget to cancel all the hotel reservations!) We will spend much less by staying closer to home and the kids' physicians (they were concerned about us going so far with Little Boy not having his surgery yet), and yet still have some much-needed family rest time. And, incidentally, that portion of the money will go into the local economy.

How are you using your extra money? Do you need it to make ends meet? Then praise God for providing. Do you need to reduce your debt and improve your family's economy? What a great way to plump up your debt snowball!

But if this money is merely frosting on the cake for you, would you prayerfully consider donating some or all of it to charity? In this challenging economy, many charities are receiving significantly lower donations and struggling to serve the needy. In addition, missionaries abroad are suffering from the dollar's decreased value (their monthly support is decreased by as much as 30% -- imagine getting 30% less in your paycheck every month!). If God has blessed you beyond your needs, please consider passing this blessing on to others who have already given up much to honor Him among the neediest in the world.

What other ways have you come up with to honor God with this money?

A Whole New ____???

Scott and I realized last night that our youngest has come up with a new and creative way to kick a tantrum up a notch. (That's what Scott thinks, anyway. I'm still holding out hope that it's something medical that will resolve after his surgery. Scott tells me I need to wake up from my pipe dream.)

At least three times in the past week alone, Little Boy has worked himself up into such a frenzy that he has vomited.

One time occurred when he was in extreme pain -- he was very constipated, screaming as he tried to move his bowels, and threw up in the midst of that.

But two other times occurred in the midst of a tantrum.

Looking back even further, he has vomited "randomly" quite a few times in the past couple of months. (Is that a phrase? "Vomited randomly?") Most of those times he was away from home, unfortunately. (The nursery workers told me it was ok -- he projectiled so it didn't get on his clothes, just the floor!)

So I'm concluding that this pattern is still somewhat random. (He doesn't throw up every time he gets upset, and he doesn't throw up only when he's upset.) I'm holding out hope that it is some weird anatomical anomaly that his heart surgery might correct.

Of course, Scott laughed outloud when I suggested this last night. He says that's impossible because the heart is not directly related to the stomach, and that I'm refusing to face Little Boy's sin nature.

This is what happens when you live with funky medical issues for too long. It really muddies the waters when something new appears. Is this is a behavior issue or a medical one? Normal people, I would guess, rarely consider medical causes (I don't know though -- we haven't been a normal family since we had kids. You readers would know better than I!) But I find myself automatically assuming this is some crazy new medical problem, because most of the time it is.

One reason I hope this resolves after the surgery? My baby honeymoon is officially over. I can't walk away from Little Boy without him bursting into tears or angry cries. I'm now in that fun phase where I grit my teeth, force myself to keep doing what I need to do, and deny positive reinforcement to the bawling, snotty-nosed [vomit-covered?] pleas of the child doggedly pursuing me, pulling at my clothes, and wrapping themselves around my legs.

With previous kids, I've been known to lock myself in the bathroom just to get a sanity break. (Mom, does this sound familiar?) So if I disappear suddenly at any time in the next several months, just look for me in the bathroom.

Did Christ Die So We Don't Have To?

I'm reading "Let the Nations Be Glad! The Supremacy of God in Missions" by John Piper right now. It's a fabulous perspective on missions and I've really been enjoying it.

Last night I came across this paragraph, under the heading "Does His Suffering for Us Mean We Escape Suffering?" (chapter 3, pg 76-77).

"The answer is that Christ died for us so that we would not have to die for sin, not so that we would not have to die for others. Christ bore the punishment of our sin so that our death and suffering are never punishment from God. The call to suffer with Christ is not a call to bear our sins the way he bore them but to love the way he loved. The death of Christ for the sin of my selfishness is not meant to help me escape the suffering of love but to enable it. Because he took my guilt and my punishment and reconciled me to God as my Father, I do not need to cling any longer to the comforts of earth in order to be content. I am free to let things go for the sake of making the supremacy of God's worth known."

The context of this paragraph is specifically concerning persecution, something with which we in the United States are fairly unfamiliar. But I believe that what he says about our suffering never being punishment from God applies to any suffering. And it is something I have to remind myself of fairly regularly.

But as I wrote in an earlier post, suffering has more than one purpose. Not only does it bring forth patience and love in the one suffering, but it gives opportunity to the body of Christ to carry one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of God. And those who suffer for Christ's sake must concentrate on loving through and in and with it in the way that Christ did when he suffered for us.

That is a tall order, so praise God that He has given us His Spirit to enable a love like that!

Never Say "Suppose"

(or "what if...")

I received a copy of an updated edition of "Streams in the Desert" in the mail Saturday. It came from the same dear sister in Christ who I mentioned in Saturday's post. She has gleaned tremendous encouragement and comfort from this book and blessed me with a copy of my own!

Sunday I visited another friend whose baby has spent his entire life (going on 7 weeks now) in the hospital. He is currently scheduled for heart surgery tomorrow. She asked me if I ever got really discouraged (!) especially when seeing other people's kids getting better and going home. She shared how hard it was to keep thinking he was getting better and could come home, only to have another setback and another massive change in plans. I shared some of the things I've learned but left feeling woefully inadequate.

Then I read today's devotional from my new book, and it all fell into place. I copied this for her, but wanted to post it here as well. It is the cry of my heart that this simple, in the moment trust in God will become a characteristic of me.

June 9

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." Psalm 37:3

I once met a poor woman who earned a meager living through hard domestic labor but was a joyful, triumphant Christian. Another Christian lady, who was quite sullen, said to her one day, "Nancy, I understand your happiness today, but I would think your future prospects would sober you. Suppose, for instance, you experience a time of illness and are unable to work. Or suppose your present employers move away, and you cannot find work elsewhere. Or suppose -- "

"Stop!" cried Nancy. "I never 'suppose.' 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want' [Psalm 23:1] And besides, " she added to her gloomy friend, "it's all that 'supposing' that's making you so miserable. You'd better give that up and simply trust the Lord."

The following Scripture is one that will remove all the "supposing" from a believer's life if received and acted on in childlike faith: "Be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" (Hebrews 13:5-6).

There's a stream of trouble across my path;

It is dark and deep and wide.

Bitter the hour the future hath

When I cross its swelling tide.

But I smile and sing and say:

"I will hope and trust alway;

I'll bear the sorrow that comes tomorroww,

But I'll borrow none today."

Tomorrow's bridge is a dangerous thing;

I dare not cross it now.

I can see its timbers sway and wing,

And its arches reel and bow.

O heart, you must hope alway;

You must sing and trust and say:

"I'll bear the sorrow that comes tomorrow,

But I'll borrow none today."

The eagle that soars at great altitudes does not worry about how it will cross a river.

God Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

A good friend wrote me a few weeks back, after we'd had a long phone conversation. She is also raising a child with special needs, along with younger siblings, and recently relocated to a new state.

We had been sharing strategies for managing the responsibilities of keeping our homes, raising our children, and staying on top of the medical/education/insurance/financial issues unique to special needs kids. She has been building a new support system from scratch since they no longer live close to family.

She asked me what I was putting into place this summer to help me manage through two children's major surgeries and still provide a semi-normal life for everyone. I really didn't have many ideas, so she shared some of what she's had to do in her new place in life.

And then she shocked me. She basically said, "Joy, I disagree with the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. I cannot do this by myself; I physically cannot do it. I tried and got so over my head that I began making foolish decisions and missing important things and actually put my children at risk.

"I don't believe that God intends for us to do this alone. He puts in us over our heads sometimes, but He provides us with help in the form of the body of Christ. He doesn't necessarily intend for us to go it alone."

Then she encouraged me to be very proactive and very specific when people ask how they can help. The body of Christ here cannot fulfill their responsibility as the body if they don't know what our needs are.

This faded into the background for a few weeks as I've tried to pull together some help. Everything was starting to fall into place, and then everything changed again. Everyone got sick for an extended period of time, Little Boy's surgery was postponed and Elli's moved up, my needs changed, and I'm just now getting a good sense for what we now need this summer. Elli needs physical therapy 2-3 times a week for the next 12 weeks. When I looked at my calendar and the full weight of that began to sink in, the overwhelmingness of it all hit me physically -- tightness in the chest and almost immediate fatigue. How will I do it? This is too much!

Then I remembered what my friend said. And I believe she is right. We live in community, and part of our responsibility as members of His kingdom, the body of Christ, is to carry one another's burdens. Many many of His people are in totally over their heads. And He allows this for reasons we may never understand. But I believe that part of the reason is that He intends for each one of His children to serve their brothers and sisters as a tangible demonstration of sacrificial love.

Putting humans, who are by their sinful nature independent and self-absorbed, into situations that they cannot survive alone is one way He convinces us of our need for Him. Coming face to face with our weakness and our inability to control anything about our circumstances except our response to them... all of this teaches us to depend on Him and others. It also provides the circumstances needed for the rest of His children to follow His commands to serve and love one another. If no-one was in need, we would be unable to learn this kind of service.

So for those of you out there who are sinking under the weight of the burden you carry, you are not alone. And you are not sinning by confessing that you cannot handle it by yourself. It is not a sin or a failure to ask for help. God intends for us to serve and help one another. In fact, not asking for help can be a sign of sinful pride. I know - it's difficult to humble yourself enough to ask for and accept the help of others. I don't like how it feels to need help -- I'd much rather be the one helping. But God has ordained this chapter in my life and I have to accept it graciously and do my best to be a blessing to those who come to my aid.

But don't think that if you are in need that you get to forget about helping others for awhile. It is all too easy to become totally consumed by your circumstances or pain and begin to treat people rudely or callously. You still have a responsibility to accept help in a Christ-like, gracious way. Being patient and kind takes tremendous effort when you are tired and scared and overwhelmed, but this is the sacrifice asked of you.

And don't overlook the blessing that a heartfelt "thank you" can bring to others. Watch for opportunities to praise and thank those who enter your life. A note or an email brings immeasurable encouragement to others doing often thankless work.

And for those of you who are doing well at this moment, you have a command from God to carry the burdens of those who are being crushed by those burdens, to share in their sufferings. I encourage you to take a long hard look at your life. When was the last time you went out of your way to help someone else? When did you last sacrifice your time, your resources, your comfort, your rest, your spouse or family... to help a suffering brother or sister?

The definition of "sacrifice" according to the American Heritage Dictionary, is "Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim." So by its very nature, sacrifice hurts.

But that's the point, isn't it? The person you're sacrificing for is hurting. By sacrificing to help them, you share in their pain, albeit in a very small way.

Yes, helping another might mean not doing something fun that you had planned with your kids, and they will be upset. But what an opportunity to show them what life is really like, how we are to respond to the suffering of others, and what it really looks like to share in another's sufferings!

Yes, it might mean giving up your nap or night of sleep to give a tired caregiver time to recharge, get a nap themselves, or actually take a shower.

It might mean sharing your spouse or child or whole family with another who needs an extra pair of hands or some company or some biblical encouragement and exhortation. This small sacrifice of yours could encourage someone immensely who has spent days/weeks/months isolated from their family and friends.

It might mean spending more at the grocery for the extra food necessary to have a someone over or to take them a meal.

It might mean bringing someone's kids over for a few hours so they can run errands or go to a doctor's appointment or just have uninterrupted time at home to make the myriad phone calls needed or sort through mounds of paperwork.

It might mean mowing someone else's grass, watering their flowers, cleaning up after their pets, taking out their trash, shoveling snow, raking leaves, or any number of household chores, in addition to your own.

It might just mean taking some time out of your day to write them an encouraging note, give them a call, or mail a care package.

Or it might be as simple as coming to sit with them. You don't have to say much, and what you do say doesn't have to have any connection with their immediate circumstances. Sitting around at the hospital is usually either extremely boring or extremely frightening -- there is very little "happy medium." Visitors and conversation and laughter are a very welcome diversion. (One tip if you consider doing this -- call first to ask if or when it's a good day or time to drop by. If things have been more scary than boring, families may need some down time to rest.)

Let us all remember the words of the song, "They will know we are Christians by our love." Love goes far beyond those three words, "I love you." It is expressed in our actions and in our attitudes towards others, especially in difficult times.

Fear

It's hard to believe that it's been more than a year since we first learned that our fourth child had serious problems with the way his heart developed. Much has changed, but much remains the same.

I have often fought with myself over how I felt about being pregnant in the first place. [I think] I hid it fairly well, but I wasn't thrilled at first, both with having a fourth child and with the timing of his arrival. I had my plans, you see, and they didn't allow for a newborn. (Oh how deeply-rooted my selfishness still is!)

I got over my bad attitude and shallow disappointment within a few days. We were all excited about welcoming a new little one, and Big Boy was insisting that we had a boy "because we already had a baby girl!" Then we went in for a routine fetal echo of the baby's heart. Instead we felt our own hearts crushed by the mac truck of his complex heart condition and discouraging prognosis. Swirled into my grief and fear was a crushing guilt. Was this punishment for my selfishness? Had my bad attitude done this to my baby?

I quickly realized that if it were that simple, teenage moms and drug addicts and adulterers and die-hard career women would be the only ones delivering sick babies or unable to conceive at all. Clearly that is not true. Something else was going on. But what? Why would God allow us to have another child with such devastating problems?

You might think, after 8+ years of experience with one medically-complicated child, I would have found some answers.

You might think that I would accept, without much struggle, that my life is not my own and all the plans I make must be qualified by "if God allows."

You might think that I would have asked "Why" enough.

You might think that I no longer wrestle with anger when I hand my kids over for yet another painful procedure or when we confront something they cannot or should not do.

I have to confess that you would be wrong.

While I have fleeting moments of tranquility, that quality unfortunately does not [yet] characterize my inner thought-life. Despite the intense focus required to keep up with it all (or the fact that this year I'm officially beyond my capacity and am seeing a disappointing pattern of dropped balls), in my quiet moments (yes, I do have those occasionally), I still find myself wrestling with these same questions and the associated fear.

As we drew nearer to Little Boy's big surgery, as Elli and the rest of the family fell ill, and as Elli went into a [relatively minor] surgery on Friday, the fear and the heart-armor I wear grew thicker. It thickens with every tragic story that comes our way - both the big ones like earthquakes in China crushing school-children, and the smaller ones like the struggles and losses experienced by other heart families we know. In the past six months, death seems to be everywhere. It's been there all along, I suppose, but somehow it seemed easier to ignore before.

Our story hasn't turned so tragic, yet. I can see God working in the details of every changed plan, every new direction, and every unexpected development. Our family received good news over the weekend -- it looks like Elli will not need open-heart surgery this year after all. The procedure on Friday bought her some time and, in a first for us, has simplified the year significantly. We'll be able to focus on Little Boy (new surgery date is currently July 29 and 30).

The fog of fear has thinned somewhat, but it still swirls about my ankles and curls up to tighten around my neck periodically. Elli has been bleeding too much the past couple of days, developing a very large and painful hematoma around one incision and bleeding from other places for hours before finally forming a clot.

I find myself praying this a lot: "God, I don't know what to do. I don't know how serious this is. Please show us whether to call the doctors, help us describe accurately what we see, and help them to give wise advice."

But even more often than that, I cry out, "God, I see all this happening to those who love you and to those whom I love. It looks for all the world like You don't care or can't intervene. I want to believe in your goodness and sovereignty. Help my unbelief!" Because I know that the root of my fear and questions is doubt and a failure to believe. In the face of the relentless extreme needs of my family, I get worn-down, stop thinking clearly, and catch myself listening to the doubts whispered in my mind's ear.

Rather than pretend that this isn't happening or stuffing those doubts back down into the crawlspace of my mind, I'm trying something new this year. It seems to me that refusing to face them actually gives them a new lease on life. They grow in size and breadth, haunting the quiet spaces, the alone time, and the dark.

So instead, I'm confessing these doubts to God. Out loud (but only when no-one else is around). I'm bringing Him my questions. I'm sharing my fears. I'm also reading, both the words of Jesus and the testimonies of others who've walked faithfully through far worse trials. My pastor loaned me a book last week, "Living in the Hope of Glory" by Adolphe Monod, when he came to visit us in Elli's hospital room. I'm trying to force myself to finish one more book before I dive into this one, but it looks very good.

The back cover reads, "Adolphe Monod was one of the greatest French preachers of the 19th century. Struck with terminal cancer, he presented from his med a meditation on the last twenty-five Sundays of his life. [His] dying testimony is instructing, enriching, and inspiring. Here, the suffering Christian will find an uplifting companion. Minister will profit from this sound pastoral theology. Christians who read this will be encouraged to seek a richer intimacy with our incomparable God."

Better

Just a brief update: I think everyone is finally over all their viruses. I am still trying to beat down a sinus infection, but I'm pretty sure those aren't contagious. Right?

After sending all the kids but Elli to various grandparents to stay while she had surgery, we've got everyone back together under one roof tonight. It's great to be healthy and together again. Elli still has a long recovery, but the good news is that she doesn't need heart surgery this year.

Little Boy will have his surgery at the end of July, so we've got some time to enjoy the summer together and get her past her surgery from last week. School ended today, and I'm delighted to get a break from the bus schedule for a few weeks.

Now I just have to figure out what to make for dinner. I didn't plan for the last week to go the way it did, so I'm still trying to get my feet back under me!