'Tis the Busy Season

The ants sure are busy. Every spring our home is invaded. We've tried humane non-toxic means of eliminating them and have been defeated every time. Last year I relented after finding our kitchen sink swarming with ants after leaving one ice cream bowl unwashed one night. Scott sprayed inside and outside the house and we were free of ants for the entire summer.

This year they are back in force, and particularly early since the weather has been so mild. I hate hate hate hate it, but we're going to have to spray again. We're going to visit my in-laws this weekend, so I'm hoping one of us will get time to spray before we leave so all the odors and chemicals are dry and hopefully safe for small children. And adults.

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I'm quite busy too these days. The weather is just beautiful so I've been doing more spring cleanup outdoors, on top of the ever-present indoor housework. I am somewhat helped by Sam... as long as I don't ask too much too many times. Anna has been extremely anxious to explore the Great Outdoors all spring, so she was delighted to crawl around and examine the grass and tree buds that have dropped all over the place.

Now that both younger kids are down for naps and Elli is at school for the next hour and a half, I really need to get down to business and get a LOT done. I need to plant my spring seeds, try to make a dent in the weeds that have already sprung up, and clean up the house because we're having company for dinner tonight!

We've been trying to have this couple over for about 2 months now. Every time we'd plan a day, one of the kids would get sick. Looks we're finally going to succeed in getting them over, and Scott and I are really looking forward to it. The winter is so tough with small children - the germs just don't let up. Things seem to be easing up now, so I'm hoping to start having more guests.

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I had my job "interview" yesterday afternoon. It really wasn't an interview, because they already know they want me to take the job. I got to ask some questions and get a lot more clear on the job requirements, scope, and flexibility. I think it's going to work out really well and will give me the opportunity to really make a difference at the hospital. We've had such good experiences there with the staff that we've been looking for ways to give back for a long time. I think my work to promote and implement family-centered care there will help more people in the long run than me going to nursing or medical school (which I've also considered - though that is simply impossible for many more years).

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I got Anna's pictures taken yesterday morning. I went to a place called Portrait Innovations. They are competitive with Walmart on pricing but much better run, much more flexible, and much more family-friendly. Anna was in top form and we are very pleased with the pictures. Of course it was impossible to narrow it down to just one pose, though if I had too, I could have. I decided to splurge on her 1-year pics since we had with the other two. In the future, I'll spend more on group photos of all three kids and just get the advertised special I get one child photographed. Anyway, I ended up buying four poses and have a CD with photos on it. Hopefully in the next day or two I'll have time to post the ones we bought.

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Ok, I'm off to garden and house-clean. And wash dishes. Dishes and laundry - two jobs that are NEVER done as long as you have children in the house!

What a Night

Edited 3/28/06 AM
Some wounds never completely heal. Others are re-opened again and again. Raising a special needs child afflicts families with both kinds of wounds. Tonight had the potential to manifest either kind, or both at once.

It all started with Elli's school's Spring Arts Program. Her class joined 4 others to sing a selection of songs as one large choir. Each child also displayed their best artistic efforts in an art show outside the auditorium.

The kids have been working on their songs and their art pieces all year. They even practiced today. Our whole family has been looking forward to this evening and seeing a little bit of what Elli has been enjoying so much at school. Elli seemed excited to pick out a dress for the event, and Sam was excited to be included in one of her activities.

We even managed to get ourselves there on time. This despite realizing, when we were less than a block from the school, that I had picked up two left shoes for Elli in my haste to get out the door, returning home for the missing shoe, and heading back again. (Sam was cheering "We're going faster and faster!" from the back seat.)

Scott dropped Elli and I off at the main entrance so I could take her back to the choir room to join her class while he parked the car. (One special moment came when, as I rolled Elli down our van's ramp, a father in a wheelchair rolled by and said, "Hi sweetie" to her. There's a special bond between people in wheelchairs that I love.) The children performed at the high school, where they have a nice large stage and plenty of seating for families. Elli's class was in the second group of children this evening. So when we arrived, the first group of families were leaving and the entire common area was full of people.

We headed down a crowded hall towards the choir room. I ran into one of her aides and we walked together. The excitement was palpable and the halls pulsed with energy. All seemed fine until we reached Elli's class. The kids in her class all cheered for Elli when we walked up, and I complimented them all on their nice clothes.

Then I turned to say goodbye to Elli, only to find her crying. The room was so noisy, filled with 100+ five- and six-year-olds, that I hadn't heard her. She rapidly grew more and more upset. I took her into a practice room, adjoining the choir room. Closing the door shut out all the noise (amazing - I want a practice room for a bedroom!), which I thought might help. I talked quietly to her and explained what we were doing over and over, but she just kept crying. I tried getting her out of her seat and holding her, but she got even more upset. I think at that point she thought she was in trouble - I really don't know.

Her class was last to file out, so I waited until the last minute and then took her back out to join the class. Her aide was there and I told her not to take Elli out on the stage if she was still crying. I did not want her to scream and make a scene through the entire performance. That would ruin it for everyone else.

I had to bite back the tears as I hurried into the auditorium. I passed the art show, but it was already half-cleaned up. I don't know if Scott found her art before he went in for a seat, but I guess I'll see her piece when they send it home. As I took my seat, I heard Elli crying behind the huge curtain on stage. I knew from past experience that she would not calm down. I knew that all the trouble we had gone to to borrow a video camera so we could show her grandparents her choir concert were for naught.

Sure enough, the curtain opened and Elli was not on stage. (The hundred+ other children waving at their parents was SO adorable.) Sam scanned the crowd and then asked, "Mommy, where's Elli? They need Elli!" I tried to explain that Elli was really upset and couldn't sing because she was crying. Her teacher and aide had taken her off stage. They kept her in the wings for a couple songs, hoping she would calm down and be able to join her class. They told me later that she would quiet down and then cry again, over and over, so her aide finally took her out into a quiet hallway to wait for the show to end. She finallly settled down out there.

Sam and Anna really enjoyed the concert, despite Sam's continued concern for Elli. They danced to the songs and Anna made friends with the people in the row behind us. Scott videotaped everything anyway so we could show Elli later. I tried not to be so sad as I watched all those kids waving and smiling and singing, while on stage right, behind the curtains, I saw Elli's wheelchair leave the stage area when the staff eventually gave up trying to calm her down.

At the end of the show, another mom introduced herself to us. She has two daughters, one special needs and one healthy, both of whom ride Elli's bus home from school. We've spoken on the phone and took our girls to the Perlman Center when they were younger. Both girls are involved in aquatic therapy on Fridays too. She asked where Elli was and I explained what had happened. She said that E, the daughter in a wheelchair, was home sick tonight, but she didn't think E would have made it on stage either, had she been well enough to try it. It was nice to talk to another parent who understands a little bit of what the night was like for us.

As we were walking out of the high school, I thanked God for giving us two healthy children in addition to Elli. I look forward to enjoying evenings like this the way those other families were, when our younger two are old enough. Having two typically-develping children has been such a blessing in that they allow us to see and experience how life is for most people.

In a way, it's like living a double life.

We do our best to include Elli in events like this. But no matter what, these things are always a little painful (for me, at least), and probably always will be. There's this quiet, wistful pain of longing as you look at the other healthy children, pain that doesn't disappear even when you have fully accepted what a special child's challenges mean for your and their life. It's the pain of grief over what your child has lost or will never have. This wound heals over as you accept and love your child for who they are. But it gets reopened during events like this when you discover something new that your child has lost.

Then there's the pain that never heals: a stabbing, somewhat embarrassed pain of having your child out there in front of everyone, so obviously different. You are proud of your child for getting out there and doing what they can; you are happy for them when they enjoy the way they are able to get involved; you work so hard to include them with everyone else; yet you are conscious of the spectacle this can make and have to consciously resist the awkwardness and discomfort and pity of those around. And beneath those feelings is a shame of being embarrassed at all.

I'm so thankful that the four of us have been given Elli to show us her way of looking at and engaging with the world. Our lives are richer and our comfort with and ability to accept and relate to people who are different has increased one-hundred-fold. I wouldn't have it any other way. But that doesn't change how hard things can be.

So why did Elli melt down tonight? I don't know. For someone who enjoys music and singing so much to react this way is as shocking to us as it is heart-wrenching. We've always expected to find ways to include Elli in music. Now it looks like we have to go back to the drawing board and find new ways to include her in things she loves. And keep conscious of the things that she really doesn't or can't enjoy so we don't push her into such disastrous scenarios again.

A So-So Day

I attempted to get Anna's one-year portraits this morning. Isn't this the cutest little jumper? (Click for the larger version.) I thought it would really bring out the blue in her eyes. (Oh, by the way, the squash is there to distract her from removing the sunglasses.)

My attempt ended in failure. A mom with three kids got there ahead of me and despite the photographer's assurances that she was almost done, I waited about 45 minutes as Anna got more and more antsy. By the time it was our turn, Anna was completely done. She burst into tears when I set her on the platform. We didn't take one photo.

I have to admit I was frustrated. It isn't easy to drag all three kids anywhere all by myself, and this failure meant I would have to attempt it later this week. Today I had Julie with me to keep the other kids occuppied. My other option is to go during the afternoon when Elli is at school, but Sam and Anna are tired.

But I got really irritated when I couldn't find Julie and the other two kids right away. We were at Walmart and they were supposed to go grab me a package of pull-ups for Sam and check out. Elli had already found a tea set that she really liked, and Sam found Bertie the Bus (from Thomas the Train). But they were nowhere to be found. I looked in all the check lanes, went to infants, called Julie's phone and went straight to voicemail, went back to the checklanes, through toys, and then to automotive (because I needed coolant too). Meanwhile the clock is ticking and I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to get Elli home, fed, and on the bus for school. Just as I reached automotive, the farthest back corner, I heard myself paged.

I couldn't really conceal my poor humor when I arrived at lane 11. I tried to explain myself as we walked out, but I'm not sure Julie understood. She kept apologizing for things that weren't bothering me. I kept telling myself to get over the fact that my beautiful little plan hadn't worked out, but myself just wanted to be grumpy I guess! We got home at 12:05pm, with 10 minutes before the bus arrived. I called to say I'd bring Elli to school and we fed everyone in the van so I didn't have to unload and reload an extra time.

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When we arrived home for good this afternoon, I found this package in my mailbox! This is what a gold medal in Olympic knitting looks like: ten balls of mustard-colored alpaca silk. And boy is it ever mustardy. I really have no idea what I'm going to do with it. Ideas, anyone?

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My gardening is a mixed bag so far. I haven't gotten outside to sow my early spring seeds (peas, salad greens, and spinach). It's been too wet and cold for the last 2 weeks. Today would be good, but I have a busy day and won't get to it.

These are my hibiscus seedlings. They seem to be doing well. I wanted to find a grow light while running errands today, but didn't have time. I set them in a sunny window every morning for a couple of hours, and then they go on top of the fridge under the fluorescent lights in the kitchen.




This contains three rows of herbs (far right). As you can see, they are growing, though the sage (middle row) is a bit slow to emerge. However, you may notice the lack of green on the entire left half. Yes, those peat pots are doing nothing. Those are my delinquent tomato plants. I gave up on the first batch and planted new seeds this morning. I hope they just got too wet. We'll see. I'll be really bummed if the tomato seeds fail.



Tossed salad anyone? This was a cute little square of micro-green sprouts, all reaching high for the sun, just this morning. We were going to harvest them next week. Then it fell off the kids' toy box when I tried to move it into a sunnier spot. Then it fell again. I'm not sure if one of the kids bumped it or if I didn't have it placed just right. I have a feeling all the remaining seedlings will be brown by tomorrow morning.

Interview!

I'm finally scheduled for an interview for that position as Parent Coordinator for the Family Advisory Council at our local children's hospital. I'll be interviewing Wednesday afternoon. I found out mine is the only application they are considering so far, so it looks pretty sure that I'll get the position. I'll let you know how it goes!

This council promotes family-centered care (FCC) at our hospital and also within our community. You can learn more about this initiative at the Institute for Family-Centered Care. Here's another great description of FCC and why we are pushing for it so strongly.

FCC is really a great thing for both patients and families, and I believe it helps doctors provide better care. It helps everyone approach a medical issue as a team, because family members are experts in their loved one and bring invaluable information to the table.

First Steps, Dishes, and Sleepovers

Life as we have known it has changed forever. Anna took her first independent steps today! What was especially cool was that Scott was here to see it and recorded them digitally. She's still really unsteady and not sure just how cool this development really is... but she's definitely walking!

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It seems that many children, not just ones with special needs, have trouble with getting their food onto their spoons or forks! I've heard from a few moms now who would love to get ahold of these dishes for their kiddos. Here are the links to the Scoop Bowl and Scoop Plate. They aren't extremely expensive, which is really nice.

The Special Kids Zone website has all sorts of helpful products. I found these dishes under Daily Living > Feeding. You can also find many kinds of spoons, including ones with curved and/or thicker handles.

I am intrigued by these dishes that keep food warm. I haven't ordered any, but I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure how well they would work for Elli, or if she really needs or wants her food kept warm like that. But it's such a cool idea!



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When I had all three kids at Children's for Elli's wheelchair evaluation, Sam was very interested in all the other equipment laying around. We were in one of the Durable Medical Equipment guy's office, which also housed their demo models of many wheelchairs and standers. While we were finishing up, he began working on another chair for a young man. Sam liked it because it had a blue frame. After watching for a few mninutes, he turned to me and said, "Mommy, I think that one is for me."

I told him it was actually for another little boy, so he started looking around. He found a stander that has large wheelchair wheels so the child can propel him/herself around while standing, and told me he thought that would be good for him too.

I think it's awesome that he's so unintimidated by all the equipment. He thinks it's cool and actually climbs into Elli's chair, stander, and walker occasionally!

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I stayed up until 3am this morning! I haven't been up that late in a year. (I've been up at 3am plenty, but haven't been up until then.) Our church had a women's overnighter last night, which was a lot of fun. Last year, I was 8 months pregnant and coming down with what ended up being a horrible sinus infection. So I went to bed at 10pm and missed all the fun! This year I felt great and got to participate in all the games, conversation, and movie-watching. I even knit a few rounds on my sock. It was great to get up and have a nice peaceful breakfast with other women and actually sit down to eat it while it was still warm.

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My husband has caught the blogging bug! Check out his blog, Moving Bus Meditations.

An Order for Elli

A catalog order, that is. Elli is doing so well in her occupational therapy (OT) sessions that Scott and I decided to order her some of the items she's working with to practice at home.

We've been working with the OT to help Elli learn to feed herself. This would be huge for all of us. Our girl is learning an incredible amount of patience, as she currently has to wait for us to get everyone else settled with their food and get her food prepared before she can eat. Invariably, we have to get up three or four times in the middle of her meal to get some seconds for someone, pick up a dropped item, or get something we forgot for Elli.

While this is great for Elli's character, we would love to see her learn some independence in this area. It was would be so good for her to sit down to eat first (because it will take her longer than anyone else, at least for awhile) and let her work on her own while we get everyone else ready. She has made huge progress in her tolerance of textures and in actually chewing her food. Helping her learn to feed herself seems the logical next step. Plus it will free us up to, well, actually eat ourselves. (I regularly miss breakfast or eat 1-2 hours after the kids do because it's simply too much to feed Elli, Anna, and myself at the same time.)

We have concluded that this super-expensive "Steady Spoon" I described a couple months ago is not the best one for Elli. It just moves too much for her -- it goes side to side as well as up and down to stay level. (It also isn't $60 anymore - they appear to have lowered the price to a slightly-more-reasonable-but-still-pricey $40.)

This is another swivel spoon that works really well for Elli, and that's what I ordered. It is a much more reasonable price ($15). This photo doesn't show the swivel mechanism well at all, but we are getting her the smallest spoon, on the far right. Just above the bowl is a swivel mechanism that keeps the spoon level even if you turn the spoon handle side-to-side. We can still exert downward pressure on her tongue with this one, which is something she needs to help her remember to close her lips on the spoon.

The handle of the spoon above is very slim - like standard silverware, so we are also ordering this special utensil holder. It has a slot into which you slide the spoon handle. The grip is angled so that part near her thumb is fatter than the part near her pinky finger.





The last thing I ordered is this bowl, called a Scoop Bowl. Since she can't use her fingers or a knife to push food onto her spoon, the built-up side allows her to scoop food into the spoon. It's really ingenius. Plus the suction cup on the bottom holds it in place. I also ordered a Scoop Plate, which is the same concept.

We're really excited about Elli's progress, and after attending that conference last weekend, have renewed resolve to practice all these skills with her here at home and really work hard with her to help her get stronger and more independent. I guess you could say that I now have hope for improvement for her. I had lost it for awhile, and just didn't think that putting forth much effort was going to result in much progress. Even if the progress is small, anything is better than nothing.

Tornado

When I walked into the house this afternoon, it looked like

a) someone had ransacked the place
b) a tornado had blown through
c) an earthquake had knocked everything down
d) all of the above

The correct answer?

A.

Let's rewind the day to 8am. The phone rang. Yes, I swallowed a bit as I picked up the phone (see the next entry, "I Dread Phone Calls").

It was my husband, who was really having a morning. He is leaving work early today to go to a visitation tonight and funeral tomorrow (again, see the next entry). So he had to pack for an overnight before leaving for work, plus drive instead of riding the bus, plus find enough cash to pay for parking both today and tomorrow. But first he had to pick up some clothes at the cleaners, for the pants that go with his suitcoat were there. He went to the wrong cleaners, then went the wrong way after first deciding not to go after all and then changing his mind after realizing if he didn't get it, we'd completely forget to go at all. Confused yet? Yeah. So was he.

He called to find out where the correct cleaners were. Then he asked, "Did you remember we have that appointment at 10am?"

Oh Crap.

Not only did we all have an appointment at 10am, but I had an appointment for Elli at 9am, a 45-minute drive during the best rush-hour conditions.

Crap.

I quickly assess the situation. Sam is dressed and eating breakfast.

Ok, that's good.

Anna is in her pajamas and eating Cheerios. Her diaper is not changed.

Double crap.

Elli is in her pajamas and still needs breakfast. Her hair is still tangled from the night before. Her glasses are nowhere to be found.

Crap Crap Crap Crap!

I am dressed. Good. But I have not eaten breakfast. Nor have I brushed my hair. Nor have I put any makeup on. This is non-negotiable since we are having our photos taken.

Crap crap crappity crap crap!

(For all those offended by the word "crap," please note that I did not say it outloud to the kids. It's much harder to stop thinking something than to stop saying it aloud.)

I start grabbing things in between shoving bites into both girls' mouths and frantically brushing my hair. I also actually thought ahead to get the van started - it was covered with a thick layer of ice. The last thing I needed was to get everyone loaded up and then discover I had to scrape ice.

Anna kept grabbing Cheerios, so shoving yogurt in wasn't working too well. I finally gave up on breakfast and tried to explain to Elli that I would pack her breakfast and she could have more when we got there. She was upset, but as I rushed her into clothes, I kept telling her and I to calm down and roll with it and I promised I would give her the rest of her breakfast later. As soon as I turned her Dynavox on, she was fine.

Carnage ensued as I tried to find clothes, diapers, coats, shoes, and food. Racing around is just not a tidy business. And cleaning up was out of the question. I was lucky to get my hands washed after changing diapers.

We finally pulled away about 15 minutes later than I needed to in order to arrive on time. Breakfast was still strewn all over the kitchen. Clothes and diapers lay everywhere. I grabbed a Diet Coke and a stale half bagel to eat on the road. That's what I get for not checking my planner last night!

Traffic was horrible, of course. I knew it would be bad - it's Murphy's Law after all. Nothing I could do about it, and I had a long morning ahead of me. No sense wasting energy being impatient! So, despite being half an hour late to the appointment, I was remarkably calm, though totally out of breath. I had to carry a 23-pound 1-year-old, a 5-pound wheelchair tray, diaper bag, and purse, while pushing Elli in her chair with her school bags hanging on it. I had to stop about every 10 steps to hike Anna back up on my hip. (Who needs a gym?)

The result of the appointment? We're going to order some new equipment for Elli's wheelchair. She needs some more supports for when she's doing fine-motor skills like school work. Then we also learned some ways we can take the supports away to encourage her to use her muscles and get stronger. They also managed to fix things so we could use Elli's tray and her computer, which meant I had one less large item to carry.

I finished giving Elli breakfast while they adjusted her chair. In the process, Anna's yogurt tipped over in the diaper bag. She had to content herself with Cheerios, half of which are now scattered all over the Durable Medical Equipment office floor.... nice little mementos of our visit.

Our next appointment was at the Family Resource Center to take some photos for a new brochure to promote the service to families. Sam and I in particular have spent hours there and been adopted by the staff, so they asked if we would be willing to be in some photos. Since we were already going to be down there, it worked out well.

I wanted to change Sam's clothes before we went down there. He had dressed himself this morning, but he didn't really match. So we ducked into a Family bathroom. I forgot to lock the door. Anna insisted on crawling around on the icky hospital floor (have I mentioned how germ-o-phobic I am?). Mid-change someone walked in on us. Fortunately, no-one was going potty. We got everyone set and off we went again.

We were supposed to get started doing the photos as soon as we arrived. But the photographer started with photos of someone else. So much for finishing in time to get Elli home for lunch and the school bus. I had forgotten my list of phone numbers and can't bring my cell phone in because of hospital policy. I actually managed to retrieve the right phone number from my memory and let the school know I would be taking Elli to school today.

Meanwhile, the clock was ticking ever closer to lunch time. Anna usually takes a morning nap. I began to worry that this photo thing might dissolve into a tearful tantrumic nightmare. But the kids really rose to the occasion. In fact, the photographer and marketing person both commented on how impressive it was that the kids did so well for so long.

Sam is so good with his sisters. Elli and I were writing on a magna doodle, and at one point, Sam came over to see what we were doing. I showed him that we wrote "Elli sees Sam" (working on Elli's sight words), and he replied, "Well thank you!" Everyone just roared. Then when I announced that we were getting lunch at McDonalds, Sam started cheering and dancing around and chanting, while Elli beamed and tried to stand up she was so excited.

So all in all, this potentially disastrous day turned out really well. It's amazing what can happen if Mommy can keep her cool. Or reclaim it quickly if she loses it.

We're not home free yet. I still need to get dinner together early so we can all get to church early enough for me to prepare the music for Sunday morning before prayer meeting starts. I'm not sure I'm going to stay for choir practice - everyone's nap schedules are completely out of whack and I think choir might just be pushing too far. It would be awesome to avoid a disaster for an entire day!

I Dread Phone Calls

The older I get, the sadder life gets. I guess it's God's way of keeping us from getting to attached to this shadow of what is to come.

Anyway, Sunday afternoon, after we bid all our relatives farewell and safe travels home, I had this fleeting jolt of dread when the phone rang. It was just a recorded message from Walgreens saying that a prescription was ready. But I suddenly realized that this feeling of dread was becoming a regular thing.

I never dreaded phone calls even a few years ago. Well, except those calls between 5 and 7pm, and the calls you get around election season (those went way beyond nuisance level during the last Presidential campaign since I live in one of those "swing" states).

Just recently, however, my experience with the telephone has changed dramatically. I've made a couple terrifying phone calls of my own, most notably my 911 call when Elli had a sudden, massive seizure and the call to my husband from the ambulance as we headed to the hospital. I didn't catch him at his desk so I had to leave a voicemail, and that is a message that he said he never wanted to hear again.

We have also received quite a few calls with bad news in the last couple years. Enough calls that I really do dread picking up the phone every time it rings now. (That doesn't mean I don't want people to call at all. Maybe if enough pleasant calls flood the house for long enough, I'll lose that sense of dread!)

So, after thinking about this on Sunday, it was especially strange when the phone rang yesterday morning at 7:45am. I felt the dread twist inside as I reached for the phone. I didn't have my caller ID phone handy, but I decided it must be my husband.

By the time I found a phone, I heard the voice on the answering machine. It was my father-in-law.

It's so strange. When everything changes in an instant, I usually don't recognize it until later. In fact, my mind makes up reasonable explanations to prolong my sense of wellbeing as long as possible. (The only exception was the day Elli's heart stopped for 30 minutes. That day I had all the pieces - serious-faced doctor, accompanying chaplain, talking in a private room... but my brain processing suddenly slowed to 1/16 speed and I couldn't get it all to fit together until the doctor's words finally crashed into my gut.)

This was definitely the case yesterday. Even though I knew that a call from my father-in-law that early in the morning meant something was wrong, I still didn't comprehend it.

The news yesterday was of a sudden, unexpected death in the family. My husband's cousin passed away in her sleep Sunday night, leaving behind two daughters in their late teens.

It got me thinking about more than what it must have been like to wake up to your mother's alarm clock and find her cold. And about more than my dread of phone calls. I started thinking about funerals and how different my preferences are to those of my relatives.

I detest ambulance-chasing of any kind. Traffic jams caused by people gawking at the misfortunate vehicular accidents of others (called "rubber-necking" around here) are one of my pet peeves. Viewings or wakes or "visitations" or whatever you prefer to call the display of a deceased person's body are, in my mind, ambulance-chasing up close and personal.

Some may think this is really morbid, but I decided today that I want to plan my own service. I have told my husband this (and he heard the same thing from my grandmother at Christmas, so now he knows where I get it!), but in case he isn't around, I want it known that I absolutely do not want my body displayed after I die. If I am dead, that body is no longer me. I don't want the focus to be on that empty shell.

In fact, I intend to make it impossible for my family to have me in an open casket. I'm already an organ donor but I think I'll go beyond that and will what is left of my body to science. If there is any question about the cause of my death, have an autopsy done and find out. Sure, it's an invasive procedure, but that isn't me anymore! I'm much more concerned about my kids knowing what diseases may be in their medical histories to protect their own health. If you insist on a burial, don't spend thousands on a stupid casket designed to prevent the natural process of decay. I'd rather a pine box.

Please. Instead of a wake, celebrate my life and the (hopefully) many happy memories we shared. Don't do this at a funeral home - those places creep me out. Have it at a church or our home or some place pleasant. Don't do the funeral flower thing - unless you're donating live plants to a community garden. Flowers just die or gather dust and are a huge problem for the families to deal with afterwards. Instead, make donations in my honor to organizations that I loved, or establish a scholarship, or, if the kids are young, contribute to a fund for them. Tell funny stories and laugh and play music and celebrate that I'm finally free of the stuff of this life that kept me from being the woman God called me to be.

OK, enough funereal thoughts. It's time to live. And fold laundry.

Snow Day

Elli was thrilled to go sledding again. Mommy wore out way too early.

Sam had almost as much fun chasing Mommy pulling the sled with Elli in it as he did being pulled! He also enjoyed using Anna's new beach toys on the great packing snow.

Anna had fun for a little while. Then her hands got wet and she decided it was too cold. Like the oversize snowsuit? I had to put a hat on her because the hood was too big to stay on her head.


Mommy recovered from the snow day by watching "Good Night and Good Luck" and knitting on this this afternoon while the kids napped (well, I'm not sure if Elli napped, but she had quiet time in her room with a CD). We have to return the movie tonight and Scott has a meeting, so he won't get to see it anyway.

Happy Birthday!

Our youngest is now a year old. We celebrated her birthday this Saturday (yes, the same day we attended the CP conference - it was a very full day).

She had a blast, even though she really didn't know what all the fuss was about. The cake was a big hit (notice that Mamaw made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting so it would really stand out in the photos!), especially since I'm really stingy about giving refined sugar to the kids. Not only was the cake really yummy and new, but it had a great texture to play with too!



We had a great time with both sets of grandparents, three aunts, and a cousin, plus the pastor of our church and his wife. All the kids love having company over, especially their relatives. They all had a tough time coming down off the high yesterday.

Today, the kids really enjoyed playing with the new toys. I was hard pressed to keep big brother from taking over all the fun new toys. The whole concept of yours, mine, and ours is difficult, let alone the concept of sharing and being more concerned about other people than yourself! But these situations give plenty of teaching and practice opportunities.

We are expecting a big winter storm tonight, in honor of the first day of spring. The kids are really hoping for snow since they got a sled for Christmas and have only been able to use it twice. I'm torn - I'd like to take them out to sled, but I don't want them to call off school. It's rather boring here in the afternoons, as the youngest two take naps and I try to get stuff done around the house or rest myself. So Elli is bound to be bored if we have a snow day. I'm sure I'll figure something out - Mommy always seems to be able to rise to the occasion. But in preparation, perhaps I should go to bed early?

Cerebral Palsy Conference

A couple weeks ago Scott and I attended a conference with my parents called "Cerebral Palsy: Focusing on Independence and Hope." It was excellent. I promptly wrote this post but somehow it seems to have gotten lost or removed! Here it is again, with conference highlights as I saw them.

The conference's keynote speaker was Dr. Janice Brunstrom, director of the Cerebral Palsy Center at St Louis Children's Hospital. What made her even more awesome to hear is that she herself has cerebral palsy.

To hear about life with this disability from the perspective of a Christian (which was another big surprise) who has overcome it was the most encouraging experience. Dr. Brunstrom said that she grappled with anger as a young adult, but she has come to the conclusion that God orders our steps and that He brought all these things into her life to bring her to the place she is now. She said "If someone drew a line up here on the stage and told me that if I walked across it, I would immediately be normal, I'd have a really difficult time deciding what to do."

She said that if she could tell parents of children with cerebral palsy one thing, it is to love their children and accept them as they are. She cautioned us against only touching our children in the context of doing something for them. When you have someone who is so dependent for their daily needs, the tendency is to only touch them when changing them, moving them, feeding them, etc. Otherwise, they are on their own and you don't do much affectionate touching, like hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

I think this is a huge challenge for me. I am so guilty of only touching my daughter in task-related contexts, and I realized it yesterday. I used to hold Elli a lot more when she was little. But then I was told that she needs to learn to do all these things on her own, and me cradling her was not helping her learn to use her body and get stronger. And that was true to a certain extent. But at the conference, I realized that I had somehow eliminated all physical contact with her except when dressing her, moving her from place to place, or doing other purposeful tasks. I'm very tired most days from all the work related to her care as well as the normal work of managing a home and mothering three children. However, I still need to take her out of her chair and hold her on my lap, snuggle with her on the couch, hold her hand, stroke her hair a lot more. Sam and Anna can climb on me, grab my hand, and ask for a hug, but Elli can't. I need to compensate for that by anticipating that need and meeting it for her.

I also learned some other things. Vision problems beyond acuity (near- or far-sightedness) are extremely common among people with CP. This includes things like depth-perception, tracking, and binocular vision. A doctor has developed a test for children who cannot verbalize that more accurately assesses their vision, and we were encouraged to ask our local opthamology department to get trained and get the equipment to administer this test. This may be a challenge, but I'm going to see what I can do.

I also learned more about the way Elli moves and why she moves that way. I'm hoping there might be some medicines that could help her control her body more, ones that also help Parkinson's patients. I also learned about another method to help with drooling, which is a big problem for her right now. I'm not sure we'll try it, as the thought of it kind of turns my stomach, but it's nice to know about options.

Elli's hips are a real concern right now. Her orthopaedic surgeon is really watching them now. I learned that we can use a special hip brace to keep them from displacing, hopefully forever. If her hips won't stay in their sockets, she will lose the ability to stand, even in a supported setting.

I also was challenged and motivated to work hard with Elli to get her more active. She needs to move and she needs to attempt weight-bearing activities to get her bones healthy, keep her muscles strong and long, and prevent things like hip displacement and scoliosis. It's going to be hard work for all of us, but it's so important. I simply have to invest time into stretching her body, getting her active and moving, and putting her into weight-bearing positions and activities. I'm not sure how it's going to work yet, but we'll figure it out.

One thing is for sure: not only will this be time-consuming, but it will also be expensive. A brief Internet search turns up quite a few special needs bicycles, at anywhere from $1500 to $7000 each. I'm not sure if we can find funding for this through insurance or county resources, or if we'll need to start fund-raising and saving up for it ourselves.

My parents said it was very eye-opening for them too. They said it was sometimes hard to hear because Elli's case is so severe (on a scale from 0 to 5, 0 being normal and 5 being the most severely impaired, Elli is a 5). But they got a glimpse into the challenges of our every-day lives, the kinds of gut-wrenching decisions we have to face, and the countless complications or secondary effects that a body crippled by cerebral palsy will experience.

The best part of the day was hearing from some kids with cerebral palsy. It really helped me see the people behind the awkward gait, the wildly-waving arms, the jerky head movements, and the garbled speech. Seeing their smiles and hearing their words was just incredible. One beautiful 7- or 8-year-old girl went up on stage, held the microphone, and thanked everyone for coming at the closing. She was sooo excited to be there and to do that and her smile just lit up the whole room. Her father was on a parent panel just before and said that he believes she is some of God's best work. There really are some amazing people trapped inside these bodies and he is exactly right.

One Year Ago... And Ten Years Ago Too

A year ago today I was preparing to have a baby. Literally.

I had an appointment that morning and discovered I was already 5 centimeters dilated, half way to the pushing stage. While I was delighted to hear my midwife say, "If you're planning on an epidural, you could go ahead to the hospital now," I had a ton of things still to finish before I could have this baby!

So off I went to run errands, all the while counting contractions.

Then I raced home and started moving furniture, a sure-fire way to move things along. I hadn't yet set up the cradle because we had all been so sick, but me especially.

I called my parents to come, so they started the three-hour drive after Dad got off work. They arrived at about 10pm, just minutes after I looked at Scott and said, "Well, these contractions have been going steadily for the last hour and I've been sitting the whole time! I think it's time."

So off we went for a long long night of labor. Anna was finally born the next morning. There's nothing like a night of no sleep to start your life with a new baby!

Needless to say, I'm thrilled that it's now a year later. I've lost all the baby weight. Anna is almost walking (she could if she would try it - she's just too scared to let go). She is sleeping through the night, so when everyone is healthy, so am I. I finally feel like I can manage this household of five, although I have much less room for error (or laziness) before I get woefully behind.

It was a long, busy, tiring year. And yet, I find myself wondering where the time went. Anna hit many milestones, and so did I.

I'm officially out of my twenties. Well, as of 2 months ago. It feels strangely... normal.

I guess when I think about it, I wouldn't go back to the person I was when I entered my twenties, and I certainly wouldn't choose to repeat all the things that went into making the person I am now. I have a L O N G way to go, but it is encouraging to look back at the impetuous, vain, self-reliant, arrogant person I was as a 20-year-old and see a little progress.

It was a really full decade (what decade of life isn't, though?).

I graduated from college with high honors, a job in hand, and only $2000 in debt, which I paid off in the first 6 months after graduation.

I moved out of my parents' house for good. A few months later, I got married. Establishing our own home and family has been a lot of fun, though we've certainly had our frustrations and setbacks. That's all part of living in a sin-cursed world. God blessed me with an awesome, God-fearing, responsible, hard-working, fun-loving husband who brings out the best in me even when that means exposing sin in my heart and helping me address it. He helps around the house, does what he can to give me rest when I need it, is involved with the kids, and has taken a lot of responsibility in our church. I'm definitely the luckiest one in this marriage!

We welcomed three children and a cat into our family and sent a dog to a family more suited to his personality. This (children that is) has probably been the single most change-inducing development in my life. When it was just Scott, me, and the dog, I could still get away with a lot of self-serving self-centeredness.

Then we had a baby.

This is normally an earth-shaking event in person's life. We certainly were aware that this was a big deal. We knew we could not really know what we were getting into until the baby arrived. But we didn't find out until our little girl was 3 days old that she had some deathly-serious health conditions.

I basically moved into her room at Children's Hospital for 4 weeks after she improved enough to "step down" out of the Intensive Care Unit. I pumped breast milk for 6 months. I learned how to insert a feeding tube into her nose and get it down into her stomach, check for placement, and feed her through it. We had an oxygen tank and I learned how to use it. I got up every 3 hours, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to feed her, administer her medications, pump more milk, and change her diapers. She napped for 30 minutes, 3 times a day. That gave me enough time to shower. Sometimes I would snatch a quick, 20-minute nap. I drove her 30 minutes to a 1-hour occupational therapy appointment every week, plus frequent 45-minute drives to the hospital for checkups, and weekly blood tests. I was so tired that I would slap my face to stay awake at the wheel, and often dozed off during those appointments.

Our marriage definitely felt the strain as we were both exhausted and dealing with our own reactions to the reality of life with a medically-fragile child. We never considered quitting, well, I didn't anyway, because I knew there was no way I could do it alone. I needed Scott and we needed to work things out. Which we did. We talked a lot and prayed a lot about what we wanted versus what God had given to us. Being content with the life we have now is an ongoing effort, but with His help, we're doing really well.

Eventually we decided to try having another child. Having Sam brought a whole new dimension into our family - that of a typically-developing child. Even though he's the second child, he's done most things first. We've had to learn to balance the needs of two children and the work of the home has definitely increased. He's shown us a lot about Elli too, because we know that in many ways, she is a typical child trapped in a handicapped body.

Now that we have Anna, we have new challenges to face as parents. We have two typical children who fight over toys and compete for our attention. And we've learned more about how Elli feels. All three children are learning about taking turns, sharing, waiting patiently, and much more. And we are learning how to teach them to approach all those new issues in a "loving one another" kind of way. It isn't about who had the toy first. It's about loving your brother more than yourself!

And sadly, I have to relearn these lessons myself. Do everything without complaining or arguing? Hmm. I don't do that one well yet. Consider other people's needs as more important than my own? Wow. I don't do that one well yet either. And on it goes.

So while in a way, it was weird to turn thirty (and I'm still shocked when I realize that I really am that "old"), it's not horrible or depressing. I'm looking forward to the next ten years and seeing where we all are then. I pray that no matter what happens in the next decade, that we give all the glory to God and reflect His presence in our lives well to others.

More Garden Veggies

I forgot to update the list of plants I'm going to attempt to grow from seed this summer. My mouth waters just thinking about it!

Microgreen salad greens (gift seeds)
Steak Tomato Sandwich tomatoes
Fresh Salsa tomatoes

I also have some flowers to try. I already mentioned the morning glories and hibiscus. I also have some mixed flowers that were a free gift, plus climbing nasturtiums (oops - I didn't realize they were climbers when I ordered them).

I may purchase a few additional veggies from the garden center... we'll see. I want to grow some peppers, both hot and bell. I also love red onions. And I've always wanted to try garlic. But I only have so much time, space, and oh yeah, spending money.

Being Grumpy Is Tiring Work

Yesterday was a bad bad day.

It all started with the telephone. We continue to have phone problems - this is the third time since we switched companies. We were supposed to get repaired within 24 hours, but no-one got to us Tuesday night. So we got scheduled for a repair visit between 8-11am on Wednesday. I got madder and madder the later it got because I wanted to be first visit of the morning! After all, it HAD been more than 24 hours!!! I have so many things to get done before Anna's birthday party on Saturday. Yet there I was, stuck at home. I had things to do there too, but I was being selfish and didn't want to do the things I was supposed to do at home (cleaning bathrooms is my least favorite chore).

The guy finally arrived at 10:30. He fixed everything in about 1 minute. Then he left. My mood improved.

Until I tried to use the phone. No dial tone. Again.

Good mood gone.

I called the company back, and the hold time was an hour. Now I was furious. I rehearsed over and over the speech I would give to whoever the unlucky phone operator was who got me.

As is typical when mommy is having a bad day, the kids were very needy yesterday. This only made the situation worse. I don't do needy anyway. But when I was already grumpy, this just sent me over the edge. I snapped at them when they cried over minor things or whined because they weren't getting my attention.

I had this nagging feeling that the problem wasn't with the phone system. I kept looking at the phones and disconnecting and reconnecting stuff. Finally I heard that phone-off-the-hook sound in one phone. And another phone wouldn't respond.

Ah hah! The guy had tested a phone that has been giving us trouble. One time I was using it and it died in the middle of a call. But it hadn't disconnected the call. I couldn't pick the call up on any other phone and I couldn't hang up either. I finally had to call the person back on my cell phone. Eventually the phone disconnected.

First I disconnected the power to all the phones. That didn't disconnect the call. Then I pulled the battery pack out of the bad phone.

Ahhhhhhhhh. A dial tone!

Unfortunately, I had been grumpy for so long now, that there was no saving the day. Elli was whiny until she went to school, and whiny when she got home. I do whining even less than I do needy (though the two are often inextricably linked). Dinner was a disaster. So much so that Scott went to church long enough to lead the singing and returned to put the kids to bed. I was exhausted and crawled into bed myself at about 8:30. Not that I could sleep. Elli cried for about 45 minutes after Scott laid her down, so I couldn't sleep. I ended up getting back up and folding laundry for an hour.

Ugh. It was definitely a day I wish I could take back. At one point Sam actually told me that I wasn't Elli and should start being a Mommy and stop yelling like Elli. Ouch. Even my 3 1/2 year old knew I was being childish.

Today has been better. But I'm still tired. Glad tonight is a quiet night at home - Survivor and CSI or My Name Is Earl/The Office (such a decision!).

-----

Anna does not have an ear infection! We think she's grumpy because she is cutting a tooth. She slept a little better today since I kept her medicated with Tylenol and Advil. She is also frustrated because she wants desperately to walk on her own and isn't quite there yet. We always have about a 2-week span of time before she reaches a new milestone where she's crabby and yells a lot. Gee. I wonder where she gets that?!?!

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I got canvas bins for my sewing and knitting stashes! And for my scrapbooking stuff. Here's to organizing and tidying my craft table so I can actually use it for crafts. What a concept.

No curtains though. I can't find anything I like. At least that I can afford. How come curtains are so expensive??? I think I'm going to take my interior designer sister shopping with me. Shoulda done that first? Yeah, I know.

Competitive Napping

Yesterday I warned Sam that it was nap time pretty soon. I've been trying to give him a few minutes to get used to the idea instead of dropping the nap bomb on him in the middle of something fun. Usually he just starts the "But I'm not tired" chant early.

This time was no different. But then I suddenly thought perhaps I should lay Anna down first and let her fall asleep. Then Sam could lay down and fall asleep in peace. If I put them both down together in the same room, they usually start playing together and no sleeping occurs.

So I said, "How 'bout this? Let's let Anna go to bed first. Then you can take a nap later."

Sam replied, "No! I want to go first!"

Hah. Sibling rivalry can work in a parent's favor!

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I got the rest of my seeds and my peat pots. I started soaking the Hibiscus seeds I ordered - an 8-hour soak aids in germination. I'm excited to add this perennial to the backyard. The flowers are 8 inches across!







I'm going to grow the hibiscus in front of these morning glories along the fence straight out the back sliding glass door so I can see them when I'm working in the kitchen. Should be a pretty combination.

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I'm in organizing and tidying mode. I went to Home Depot today and bought a big 16-inch deep shelf to hang in the one big closet we have in our house. I desperately need places to store large bulk items like paper towels and toilet paper. I think I'm going to attempt hanging it myself this afternoon. I've been asking for Scott to do it for a few weeks and he just doesn't have time. Bummer... I have a few minor things I need to take care of first, like dinner and dishes. Maybe the shelf hanging will have to wait until after we put the kids to bed.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get some canvas storage bins in various sizes. I have a lot of loose craft and office supplies that I'd like to corral in an attractive way. We also need curtains in the family room, since the cat keeps crawling through the mini-blinds and breaking them. She's on her third set of mini-blinds. However, I'm not sure which is better - broken mini-blinds or fur-coated curtains. Anyway, a local store seems to be having a sale. So we'll see how much I can afford to do now and what will have to wait.

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I'm getting suspicious about the state of Anna's ears again. She has been extremely cranky and clingy the last day and a half. She has taken micro-naps and slept poorly. This is about the time the urgent care doc said she might start showing signs of an ear infection. She is definitely still congested. I think I'll call the pediatrician and see if I can get her in tonight.

Nope. No such luck. We'll have to wait until tomorrow morning. I hope Tylenol will get us through. Not sure how I'm going to make dinner since she doesn't want me to put her down.

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Needless to say, I've done no knitting lately. Last night I went to a committee meeting on the redesign of the Heart Center at Children's. I was pooped when I got home and my remaining energy went to birthday planning for Anna.

I Almost Forgot!

I got seeds in the mail today! I'm so excited about my veggie garden this summer. This year I decided to try starting seeds again. I have half my stuff now. Tomorrow I should get the remainder of my seeds and the pots I'm going to start them in.

Today I got:

Linum or annual flax (free trial packet)
Caesar salad lettuce blend (free trial packet)
Red romaine lettuce
Green Batavia lettuce
Prizehead looseleaf lettuce
Simpson Elite looseleaf lettuce
Green Arrow peas
Bright Lights swiss chard
Catalina Spinach
Rosemary
Broadleaf Sage
Italian Large Leaf sweet basil
Delfino cilantro
Greek oregano

So, who's coming over for dinner this summer?

A Rant, A Brag, and a Reply

Has anyone seen the TLC shows about the Duggar family? Sixteen children (including at least 2 sets of twins) under the age of 17? I feel like such a wimp, struggling to get the laundry done for five people. That mom gets up every couple hours at night to move laundry along (of course, that may also be from the constant state of pregnancy she's in - I did laundry in the middle of the night when I was pregnant too!). Unbelievable - they do at least 10 loads a day.

And that's just the laundry.

That doesn't even begin to describe the work of cooking for 18 mouths. Or cleaning after 18 people. Or educating them, because this family also home-schools.

Granted, with so many older children, the parents have quite a few able bodies to help with all those chores. But managing, supervising, training all those children to do the work of the house... that is a task with complexity beyond words.

Suddenly the amount of work I try to accomplish in a day seems paltry, and the lack of success I have in completing my to-do lists seems... well, like a lack of self-discipline, or a refusal to self-discipline, more likely.

Ok, I just had to get that off my chest.

Germ Warfare

The germs are attempting a full-frontal attack, using sneezing, coughing, and gooey fingers jabbing at faces. I have a scratchy sore throat today, and Sam woke up with a junky voice. So far, he's doing ok, though. I'm taking zinc and hoping that stops my cold in its tracks. So far, Elli seems fine. Here's hoping.

Brag Session

Elli
This morning I met with Elli's teacher, the head of special education in our district, and the special education teacher working with her this year. We discussed the transition to first grade, specifically what things about Elli they should keep in mind as they place her in a class, and what characteristics we think her teacher should have.

It was a great meeting. The special ed teacher started out by saying, "I have to brag on your daughter for a minute before we start."

I loved the sound of that! She proceded to show me how well Elli is doing learning sight words. She first introduced the concept of words by showing photos of everyone in our family, with the name next to it (Mommy, Daddy, Sam, Anna, Elli). Then, she reduced the size of the photos and increased the size of the words. Finally, she covered the photo completely. Elli could correctly identify each name. So last week she started with the sight words my, like, and the. Elli has done awesome. I am so thrilled, not only to hear that Elli is grasping the concept of words, but that she is so excited to work on it. The teachers said that when they get out the word cards, she sits up straighter and just beams. She is eating it up, and I am so encouraged.

Sam
I brought Sam with me. He was very excited to wear his train "pack-pack" and go to Elli's school with me. He sat on the floor in the principal's desk area (we met in the principal's office), and played quietly with toys the entire meeting, except when he asked to go to the bathroom. That he insisted on doing by himself. Everyone at the school loves him. Well of course they do. He's the best!

Sam and Anna
I got my hair cut today. I tried to go before my meeting at school, when I only had Sam with me. But I didn't get there early enough. So I made an appointment for after lunch, hoping that the kids wouldn't be too tired to do well. We brought a Thomas the Train video because the salon is child-friendly and has a TV for the kids to watch. I also brought a stroller so I could strap Anna in one place. I didn't want her to poison herself, electrocute herself, or otherwise get us in-invited!

The video/stroller setup worked like a charm. About the time Sam started playing with another boy and Anna got tired of sitting in one place, I was done. Everyone loved the kids and were very impressed at how well they did.

(For the curious, I didn't get anything dramatic done this time. Just a trim.)

Response to Bearsieboo

Yesterday, Bearsieboo asked me the following question.

Since I've started blogging, I've noticed lots of mothers knit. Huh? Why is that? I'm just curious. Maybe I'm missing out?

Why did you start knitting, Joy? Why do you knit now? What are some of the things you've knitted?

I thought I'd answer in a post instead of in comments, since it's kind of involved.

My grandma taught me how to knit (garter stitch) when I was a child. I did a few square dishrags, and then got into something new. Later she showed me how to purl, so I did a couple more dishrags. I have picked it up now and then since then, but never did anything beside squares and rectangles.

My recent interest in knitting came from taking a road trip with an old friend from college, Brooke. The entire 6 hours up and back from a mutual friend's wedding (a mutual friend who just so happened to teach Brooke how to knit), she dug project after project out of her bag, showing me these amazing socks, mittens, and sweaters. She loves to knit and her enthusiasm is contagious. By the time I got home, I was eager to try it again, this time doing something more interesting than a dishrag.

So one evening a couple weeks later, Brooke came over and showed me how to make a baby bootie. It was a simple pattern and a very short project. I had something to show for my work within hours. I was hooked.

I knit because I enjoy making things for the people I love. I also like having portable projects. I spend a decent amount of time (though not as much as I used to) in waiting rooms, and knitting is much easier to carry around than scrapbooking, another favorite hobby (though you have to pick the right project - an adult-sized sweater or a queen-sized afghan wouldn't be so portable) and sewing. I like how easy it is to get out a knitting project and how fast it is to put it away. Again, scrapbooking and sewing take a ton of space and lots of time to set out and put away. I just don't have that kind of time very often, though I really like those activities. (I'm looking into MyPublisher's photo books - I might be able to get photos captioned and put into albums this way while the kids are young). Knitting allows me to do something with my hands when engaged in what would otherwise be idle time (watching TV or a movie, waiting anywhere, visiting with friends).

So are you missing out? I don't know - it depends on what you enjoy doing! You might really enjoy it, and you might find it boring. I know some people prefer crochet to knitting, so don't assume if you try one and don't like it that you will dislike the other as well. I'd be happy to show you what I know sometime if you'd like.

Here's what I've done, what I'm working on, and what I would like to do in the near future.

Off the needles
Pink w/fuzzy brim baby booties and hat - girl (size 0-3 mo)
Navy/white Baby booties and hat with Yankees logo - boy (size 3-6 mo)
Purple hat w/fuzzy brim and pom-pom - girl
Pink/purple nubby hat - girl
Socks - girl (size small)

On the needles
Socks - for me in this pattern (not enough knitted to show, so this is just the yarn)
Trellis cardigan - size 6-12 mo

Waiting for the needles

Socks - small child (I'll probably make socks for Sam from my leftovers)
Socks - baby (I'll probably make socks for Anna from the leftovers from Elli's socks)
Something made from this yarn in this color
Something for Sam from this yarn

Sock Setback

I have learned that I'm quite a novice pattern-reader. I have been working on these socks with my birthday yarn. The first part was easy - one inch of ribbing. I finished the ribbing Saturday and dove into the pattern.

The directions say this:

Begin zigzag pattern:
Round 1: knit(k) every stitch
Round 2: *k-f/b (knit in the front and back loops of the same stitch), k7, double decrease (dd), k-f/b; repeat from * a total of 4 times.
Work zigzag pattern until leg measures 6 3/4 inches to the top of the heel.

It took me awhile to figure out how to do the k-f/b and the dd stitches. Then I somehow missed that I was supposed to do two k-f/b stitches next to one another (at least, I think I'm supposed to!) when doing Round 2, the first and last stitches of that round's pattern are both k-f/b.

I couldn't figure out why the pattern wasn't ending on the last stitch on the row until this morning when, after a decent night's sleep, I finally comprehended the pattern directions. Duh! I had skipped 3 stitches in the pattern!

And then, I suddenly realized that Round 1 was a part of the zigzag pattern! I thought the zigzag pattern was just Round 2 when I first looked at it.

So guess what I'm doing today (when I get time to pick up the sock again). Yup. Frogging. (For my non-knitting readers, it's called frogging because you rip it, rip it, rip it.) At least I have only done 5 rows wrong. I'm just still a slow knitter, so it takes me awhile to knit 5 rows of 70 stitches each!

In other knitting news, I talked to my grandma on the phone yesterday! She was quite the knitter when I was growing up; actually when she was growing up all the way until the Parkinson's got too bad for her to work with knitting needles. She didn't know I'd taken up knitting and was very excited that I had such a good teacher and was having fun with it. She said I should try to go to Victoria, Canada some day because they have the most beautiful wools there.

Hmmmm. I smell a Super-Knitter's Road Trip with my two favorite knitting friends. Some day, many years from hence. (When we actually have the time and finances to travel that far, let alone buy the yarn we find there... I'll probably have snow-white hair and grandchildren.)

Cute Kid Stories

Friday evening, we were unloading the kids from the van after going to a conference at church (it was great - it was on Godly Communication). Scott was telling Elli how cute she was and then realized perhaps he should compliment Sam.

So he said, "And Sam, you are a handsome boy!"

Sam replied indignantly, "No I'm not! I'm a silly boy!"

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When Elli came home from school on Friday, she was kind of grumpy. Her Dynavox had died at school because we forgot to charge it the night before. I plugged it in and turned it on. Instantly, her whole demeanor changed. I asked her to tell me about her day at school.

Eagerly and deliberately, she pressed buttons.

Then she said, "May I have a snack? Cheetos. Cheetos. Cheetos. Cheetos." She flashed me this huge expectant grin.

She is getting so good with that Dynavox!

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Anna is just days away from walking on her own. The church nursery has this push-toy that is perfect for beginning walkers. She loves to walk, pushing it around in front of her. Wednesday night, after choir practice, we watched as a parade of our kids entered the room. Sam came racing in, followed very closely by a super-proud-of-herself little Anna, positively bouncing with her toy! She was so thrilled to be keeping up with her big brother, around whom she thinks the sun rises and sets. Then she took off the other direction and I watched her zigzag down the hall, going in and out of classrooms. It was just so cute to watch this little person bop around.

More Germs

We're not done with the colds in our house. Scott ran a fever all night Saturday night and all day Sunday. Anna woke up with a fever and a stuffy, runny nose Sunday morning. I took her to Urgent Care yesterday afternoon because she was miserable and digging at her ears, a sure sign of ear infection.

To my surprise, the doctor found no signs of bacterial infection - not even anything brewing. With the aid of Advil Cold, she slept decently well last night. I'm pretty sure that Sam will catch the cold from her since they fight over the same toys all the time. I'm hoping that if I'm vigilant with handwashing, we can keep Elli and I healthy. My poor hands are so dry and cracked from this winter! But it's a small price to pay to keep the germs from tearing through the entire family.

Have I Mentioned I'm Not a Baker?

My prize-baking efforts of Tuesday evening ended up making better comedy than documentary. I suppose I did end up with a tasty final product, but that result was continually up for debate throughout the entire process.

On Monday afternoon, Brooke (who was much too kind in her version of this story) and I agreed that she would come over and pick up her prize on Tuesday after work.

On Tuesday afternoon at about 4:00pm, I finally dug out the recipe and began pulling out ingredients. Oh stink. I used the cake mix I've had on hand for apple crisp a few weeks ago. All three kids were home and happy doing whatever they were doing and I really dreaded hauling them all out to the store at this busy time of day when they're running out of steam anyway.

(Keep in mind that any outing this time of year requires getting coats on four people, buckling two kids into 5-point harnesses, unfolding the wheelchair ramp, pulling the wheelchair carrying the third child up into the van, fastening the four tie-downs to the chair without bashing my head on any of the hardware attached to the chair, fastening the seatbelt around said child when you can't see where the seatbelt buckles without standing on your head, folding the ramp back up into the van, and finally getting in myself. Then you do the whole thing backwards when you get to the store. Then you do it all over again to head home, and then do it all backwards again to get into the house. That's if you only have to go to one store. One outing with all three per day is usually all I can handle!)

Oh yeah, and wouldn't you know, I had already been to the store that morning! That's what you get for procrastinating. Now what am I going to do?

At 4:15, Brooke called to provide an ETA (she's such a considerate friend). I mentioned casually that I was missing a key ingredient for the cookies. She found this highly amusing but volunteered to pick it up for me. So now I had to make the cookies while she knit (knitted? hmmm) happily instead of having them ready for her when she arrived and being able to knit too. (OK, so they wouldn't have been ready anyway since I didn't start until 4:15. Stop it! I already confessed that I procrastinated!)

I wandered around the kitchen looking for ideas for dinner and didn't come up with anything. It had been a busy day and I needed something quick. (Yes, I had procrastinated about that too.) After watching the Food Network on Sunday, I was in the mood for foods I did not have in the house and didn't normally buy (like steak).

Brooke arrived around 5pm, cake mix in hand. She suggested that we order take-out, volunteered the use of some coupons for a local hot sandwich shop, and when Scott called, he took no convincing. (We only get take-out about once a month, if that, so it's a real treat.) I was lept at the idea because juggling dinner AND cookie-baking AND washing all the dishes by hand didn't sound like a fun evening. (We haven't had an automatic washer since our oldest child was born.) This saved dishes AND time.

I began mixing the cookies, and everything went well until I mixed the wet and dry ingredients together. The dough was supposed to get smooth. After several minutes in my mixer, it still resembled coarse corn meal. The recipe called for 2 sticks of butter. I was supposed to melt one in the microwave, then cut the 2nd into 1/2 inch slices and mix them into the melted butter. After letting it sit for a couple minutes, I was then to whisk them together until it was all smooth. I did exactly that. This problem had nothing to do with procrastinating.

Now Brooke was really enjoying herself. Apparently watching me bumble about my kitchen and fumble through problem after problem was quite entertaining.

I gradually mixed in little bits of hot water until the dough finally combined, though it was really thick - like pie crust. I didn't want to deviate from the recipe too much though, so I quit and started filling my cookie press with the dough. All the while, I knew that if the dough wasn't just right for the cookie press, it would either refuse to adhere to the cookie sheet or it would ooze out uncontrollably and hold no shape.

My dough was too thick. It was incredibly difficult to squeeze it through the press, and I had to detach each cookie by hand. I finally got my first pan into the oven about the time we needed to get dinner. By the time we all settled on what we wanted to eat, I realized I had failed to set a timer! Now I was stuck baby-sitting the oven until the pan was baked, and even then, a few of the cookies were a little over-done.

Fortunately, Brooke's current job is training people to value diversity, so she was very accepting of this first pan of cookies.

I called in our order, adding a few customizations (hold the olives on this one, no cheddar or mozzarella - I want bleu cheese instead, and no special sauce please), and off we went to pick it up (Scott had arrived home by now).

This was a newly-opened restaurant, so can you guess how well they did with our custom order? Yup. Pretty poorly. The only thing they got right was no special sauce. The one sandwich was drowning in olives. The other one had both cheese we asked to remove, and none of the cheese we asked to add. Oh well.

After I ate until I was so full I knew it would be hours before I could sleep, I decided to complete a few cookies (baking wasn't the last step), just to make sure that adding water hadn't ruined them. This required me to melt semi-sweet chocolate, drizzle it over the cookies, and then sprinkle them with chopped almonds. Sounds easy!

My semi-sweet baker's chocolate was several years old. I checked the box and found no expiration date, so I decided to try it. It was a bit drier than normal, but it tasted fine. However, because it was too dry, it didn't melt into a drizzly consistency!

I tried mixing a little water in, but then I wondered if water mixes well with chocolate. So then I kept adding more and more milk until it finally got runny enough.

The test batch of cookies was a success! So I started to refill the cookie press for another pan. The dough had dried during the course of dinner and the test cookie prep. It absolutely would not budge. I had to dump it back into my mixer and add more water. This time I got to a much more workable consistency and had a little less trouble with the cookie press.

I also remembered to set the timer for each pan of cookies.

I continued to have trouble keeping the chocolate at a good drizzling consistency. It cooled off in between batches, so then I had to warm it back up in the microwave. I should have just set the bowl of chocolate in another bowl of really hot water to keep it warm and runny. But of course, I didn't think of that then!

Miraculously, the cookies did turn out. They look half-way decent and they taste great, if I do say so myself.

So Brooke, let's have no more complaining about how some people who won Knitting Olympics prizes didn't earn them! Surely the effort I put into this prize counts for more than some huge company donating a few balls of yarn!

(I did find it interesting that though I had at least 200 visitors from all over the world on my blog when the announcement went out listing who won Knitting Olympics prizes, not one person left a congratulatory comment on my blog. Knitters apparently still need to learn about sportsmanship.)

They're Growing Up!

Elli's Going to First Grade!

Scott and I attended our school district's first grade transition meeting last night. They talked about basics like number of classes, class size, schedule, and what a typical first grade day looks like. They talked about the general subjects our first graders will be studying. And they talked about the new building we're moving into for next year.

I never, ever, in a thousand years, would have thought that having a child enter the first grade would be intimidating. I mean, come on! It's first grade! I'm a four-year college grad! I always did well in school!

But I have to confess. I'm intimidated.

I guess it's because my first child to enter first grade faces so many challenges just to get through a typical day at home. Throw academic learning and communicating with a classroom full of peers into the mix, and I suppose I'm normal to feel a little overwhelmed.

(By the way, I have SO much respect for the teachers and support personnel who work in our schools and take on 25-30+ kids with wide-ranging physical, social, academic, whatever else abilities! God bless our teachers. I would be cowering in the hallway, scared spitless. But put me in front of a room-full of adults and I'm fine. Isn't that weird?)

Anyway, it may sound like the meeting wasn't that great. It actually was. We are in one of the best school districts in our state (tied for 6th place), and it showed last night. The administration, at least at this lowest elementary school level, is awesome. They are real people who have worked very hard to craft a program that educates every child, no matter what their personal challenges.

I know they miss some stuff - we're all human beings and nothing is perfect. No system is perfect and can perfectly address everything. But they do their best. And that's saying a LOT. We have friends who live in other school districts where they don't try at all. Big... no... astronomical difference.

So we were very excited to see the details of the new building. It's completely ADA compliant, down to the playground. They thought long and hard about how to get kids in wheelchairs out into the mix during recess. There are no stairs in the entire place. The hallways are wide, the drinking fountains low, and offices for support personnel (like occupational, physical, and speech therapy and the special ed teachers) are right there with the classrooms. They've thought carefully about traffic flow and parking for visitors. They've got outdoor courtyards, garden areas, access to those outdoor areas from both art and science rooms, a media center with all sorts of child-friendly furniture and natural light... It is going to be amazing.

So why again am I intimdated?

It's the academics being taught in first grade. They are going to continue work in language arts - advancing reading skills, writing, spelling, comprehension, etc. They are going to start addition and subtraction, fractional parts, sorting, time, and lots more in math. They begin to work on science and actually have a science lab for the kids to explore things hands-on. They also begin social studies and history and geography. These are the things that start to get me nervous.

How is Elli going to learn all this? I want her to learn it - don't get me wrong. She needs to learn as much as she is able to in order to live independently and thrive as an adult. But everything takes her so long - I mean we're still working on the concept of words with her. She knows letters and numbers, but how do you communicate the concept of grouping letters together to form a word, a symbolic representation of an object or a concept or an action. When you break it down like that, learning to read is a tremendously complex skill.

I believe reading is the single most important academic skill for Elli to learn. Without reading and writing, she will be completely reliant on others her entire life. If she read for herself and write, she will be able to speak to others in her own voice, even if it through her computer.

I guess the complexity of the task before us is something I shouldn't dwell too much on. The teachers and special educators working with Elli are the best. They are working hard to break things down into manageable pieces and we are seeing progress. I need to look at school differently with her than I did for myself or than I will with the other kids - everything is going to take longer. She may not master every single thing, but we can still expose her to as much as possible.

Sam's Going to Preschool!

My little boy will be four this September. We've talked about it and think that sending him to preschool will be a wonderful thing for him. He's so interested in school already since his big sister goes, and he's very eager to get out of the house, meet other kids, and make friends. I think he'll do well getting introduced to a structured setting and spending a couple short hours under the teaching of other adults. Having preschool classes will really help him get through the long cold winter indoors, too. If this winter hadn't been so warm, we'd have been going bonkers by the end of January! It was bad enough since we had so many germs in our house!

We've almost settled on the school for him. I go tour it tomorrow afternoon, and if I like it, I'll register him then. It's run by a church just a couple miles from us and they have openings for a 3-day afternoon program. They also follow our school district's calendar, which will be really helpful for planning. I was hoping to send him to a 2-day a week program, but I didn't get started early enough (apparently, January is the crucial month). We can still wait-list him for that, but one more day will be fine. Kindergarten is 5 days, so it'll be a good introduction.

At first, I wasn't sure at all that I wanted to send him. My boy is my buddy, my right-hand-man, at least when Scott is at work! We do almost everything together and that mother-son thing is totally real. But what's the long-term goal with our children, anyway? We're supposed to prepare them to be godly, responsible adults who can function in the real world. I'm supposed to launch him out there as an independent person, who will ultimately (gulp) hopefully find a godly wife and start his own family.

So keeping him with me his entire life isn't going to prepare him real well, is it? He has to learn to get along with other people, even ones who are totally different and even may disagree with him. He has to learn to face difficulty, injustice, and mean people in a way that honors God. He has to learn that God has given us other authority figures besides our parents, and we are to respect and obey them (as long as they don't tell us to sin). Going to school will certainly provide ample opportunities to practice and learn these skills.

This may sound like I am anti-home-schooling. I'm not. I'm a graduate of home-schooling; in fact, I studied at home from third grade through high school, back before it was very popular. I got a great education that more than prepared me for the rigors of college study. I was able to focus on academics without being nearly as distracted by the social and philosophical stuff that goes on at school.

However, I'm still not sure I was well-prepared for the real world - for office politics, egos, peace-making, not just getting along but working well with people antagonistic to my way of life... Perhaps my 18-year-old self would have had the same arrogant, blunt unteachableness if I'd gone to school - I don't know and probably won't ever know. I certainly lacked street smarts and the inter-personal savvy that my husband has. But I also learned many skills and a strength of character I might not have if I'd been constantly battered by the negative social pressure in school. It's hard to know what to attribute to personality and what developed (or didn't develop) during my childhood.

So, just like any other form of education, home-schooling works for some people and isn't so great for others. That includes both parents and children - some parents are better home-educators than others, just like some teachers or school districts are better than others. Some children do well in that environment and some do not, just like some children do well in public, some do better in private, some do better in large classes or smaller ones, etc. This is not a moral right or wrong issue. It's a matter of wisdom - what is the best for your child and for your family? It may even vary with each child within the same family and vary some years.

In our case, right now, in this school district, it is best for Elli to be in school. I have thought about home-schooling for brief moments. Those moments are always cut short by the reality of life in our home. It is impossible for me to home-school Elli successfully with her younger siblings at home! She cannot do anything independently, so her education requires 100% hands-on assistance from an adult. She also needs resources and knowledge not readily available to me due to her physical and communication challenges. We haven't ruled anything out, particularly for the younger kids. We just know what appears to be best right now. That's the best anyone can do!

Anna's Turning One!

I can hardly believe that an entire year has gone by. We will celebrate Anna's first birthday in less than 2 weeks! She is at such a fun stage. She can entertain herself for brief periods of time, extended if Sam is playing with her. She loves to chase him and be chased, play with dolls, and try to do whatever Sam is doing. She has 4 teeth now and keeps chewing her hands like she's working on more.

I successfully weaned her from formula this week. Well, it's actually been a 3-4 week process. I tried giving her cow's milk a month ago, and she turned her nose up at it. So I have been gradually changing the proportion of formula to cow's milk in her bottles and sippee cups. Today I tried 100% cow's milk again and she took it without blinking! I'm not going to totally quit the formula yet - I still have to use up a container. Plus I'm still trying to figure out the whole balanced diet for a baby thing! And I'm still not completely sold on cow's milk - it made Sam really constipated. So any opinions/experience/etc on alternatives to getting calcium into a baby's diet would be appreciated!

On the diet topic, Anna seems to be really sensitive to tomatoes. Every time I give her something with tomato in it, like spaghetti, she gets this horrible diaper rash that takes 3 or 4 days to clear up. It's just agonizing, more for her than me, I'm sure. It took me awhile to narrow it down to tomato, but I'm going to have to cut it from her diet, even though she loves it. I guess once she's potty-trained, it won't be an issue. I'm not sure if she's got sensitive skin or if she's just more sensitive to the acid in tomatoes.

Wow. This ended up being way longer than I expected. I have to get going. I have a knitting prize to bake and dinner to prepare!