A good friend wrote me a few weeks back, after we'd had a long phone conversation. She is also raising a child with special needs, along with younger siblings, and recently relocated to a new state.
We had been sharing strategies for managing the responsibilities of keeping our homes, raising our children, and staying on top of the medical/education/insurance/financial issues unique to special needs kids. She has been building a new support system from scratch since they no longer live close to family.
She asked me what I was putting into place this summer to help me manage through two children's major surgeries and still provide a semi-normal life for everyone. I really didn't have many ideas, so she shared some of what she's had to do in her new place in life.
And then she shocked me. She basically said, "Joy, I disagree with the saying that God never gives us more than we can handle. I cannot do this by myself; I physically cannot do it. I tried and got so over my head that I began making foolish decisions and missing important things and actually put my children at risk.
"I don't believe that God intends for us to do this alone. He puts in us over our heads sometimes, but He provides us with help in the form of the body of Christ. He doesn't necessarily intend for us to go it alone."
Then she encouraged me to be very proactive and very specific when people ask how they can help. The body of Christ here cannot fulfill their responsibility as the body if they don't know what our needs are.
This faded into the background for a few weeks as I've tried to pull together some help. Everything was starting to fall into place, and then everything changed again. Everyone got sick for an extended period of time, Little Boy's surgery was postponed and Elli's moved up, my needs changed, and I'm just now getting a good sense for what we now need this summer. Elli needs physical therapy 2-3 times a week for the next 12 weeks. When I looked at my calendar and the full weight of that began to sink in, the overwhelmingness of it all hit me physically -- tightness in the chest and almost immediate fatigue. How will I do it? This is too much!
Then I remembered what my friend said. And I believe she is right. We live in community, and part of our responsibility as members of His kingdom, the body of Christ, is to carry one another's burdens. Many many of His people are in totally over their heads. And He allows this for reasons we may never understand. But I believe that part of the reason is that He intends for each one of His children to serve their brothers and sisters as a tangible demonstration of sacrificial love.
Putting humans, who are by their sinful nature independent and self-absorbed, into situations that they cannot survive alone is one way He convinces us of our need for Him. Coming face to face with our weakness and our inability to control anything about our circumstances except our response to them... all of this teaches us to depend on Him and others. It also provides the circumstances needed for the rest of His children to follow His commands to serve and love one another. If no-one was in need, we would be unable to learn this kind of service.
So for those of you out there who are sinking under the weight of the burden you carry, you are not alone. And you are not sinning by confessing that you cannot handle it by yourself. It is not a sin or a failure to ask for help. God intends for us to serve and help one another. In fact, not asking for help can be a sign of sinful pride. I know - it's difficult to humble yourself enough to ask for and accept the help of others. I don't like how it feels to need help -- I'd much rather be the one helping. But God has ordained this chapter in my life and I have to accept it graciously and do my best to be a blessing to those who come to my aid.
But don't think that if you are in need that you get to forget about helping others for awhile. It is all too easy to become totally consumed by your circumstances or pain and begin to treat people rudely or callously. You still have a responsibility to accept help in a Christ-like, gracious way. Being patient and kind takes tremendous effort when you are tired and scared and overwhelmed, but this is the sacrifice asked of you.
And don't overlook the blessing that a heartfelt "thank you" can bring to others. Watch for opportunities to praise and thank those who enter your life. A note or an email brings immeasurable encouragement to others doing often thankless work.
And for those of you who are doing well at this moment, you have a command from God to carry the burdens of those who are being crushed by those burdens, to share in their sufferings. I encourage you to take a long hard look at your life. When was the last time you went out of your way to help someone else? When did you last sacrifice your time, your resources, your comfort, your rest, your spouse or family... to help a suffering brother or sister?
The definition of "sacrifice" according to the American Heritage Dictionary, is "Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim." So by its very nature, sacrifice hurts.
But that's the point, isn't it? The person you're sacrificing for is hurting. By sacrificing to help them, you share in their pain, albeit in a very small way.
Yes, helping another might mean not doing something fun that you had planned with your kids, and they will be upset. But what an opportunity to show them what life is really like, how we are to respond to the suffering of others, and what it really looks like to share in another's sufferings!
Yes, it might mean giving up your nap or night of sleep to give a tired caregiver time to recharge, get a nap themselves, or actually take a shower.
It might mean sharing your spouse or child or whole family with another who needs an extra pair of hands or some company or some biblical encouragement and exhortation. This small sacrifice of yours could encourage someone immensely who has spent days/weeks/months isolated from their family and friends.
It might mean spending more at the grocery for the extra food necessary to have a someone over or to take them a meal.
It might mean bringing someone's kids over for a few hours so they can run errands or go to a doctor's appointment or just have uninterrupted time at home to make the myriad phone calls needed or sort through mounds of paperwork.
It might mean mowing someone else's grass, watering their flowers, cleaning up after their pets, taking out their trash, shoveling snow, raking leaves, or any number of household chores, in addition to your own.
It might just mean taking some time out of your day to write them an encouraging note, give them a call, or mail a care package.
Or it might be as simple as coming to sit with them. You don't have to say much, and what you do say doesn't have to have any connection with their immediate circumstances. Sitting around at the hospital is usually either extremely boring or extremely frightening -- there is very little "happy medium." Visitors and conversation and laughter are a very welcome diversion. (One tip if you consider doing this -- call first to ask if or when it's a good day or time to drop by. If things have been more scary than boring, families may need some down time to rest.)
Let us all remember the words of the song, "They will know we are Christians by our love." Love goes far beyond those three words, "I love you." It is expressed in our actions and in our attitudes towards others, especially in difficult times.
