When we were expecting our first child, we attended a parenting conference that completely transformed the way we approached raising our kids. Most of what I'm sharing today comes from the speakers of that conference and the book they wrote on biblical childrearing.
They spent quite a bit of time discussing what the Bible says about human nature, children, parenting, etc. I pulled 6 key points out of this:
- Your children are the product of two things: shaping influence (their physical makeup and their life experience) and Godward orientation (whether they love or reject God determines how they interact with their experiences). Parenting involves (1) providing the best shaping influences you can and (2) the careful shepherding of your children's responses to those influences.
- The heart determines behavior.
Mark 7:21 "...from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly."
Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks."
We must learn to see our kids' behavior as more than just undesirable actions or annoyances. We have to work backward from behavior to the heart. Don't focus only on behavior. By talking with our children about what they did, we work to expose their heart struggles - why they did it. Help your children see that they were made for a relationship with God. The thirst of the heart can be satisfied in truly knowing God. (And something else I've learned? When I respond incorrectly to their poor behavior, I have my own heart issues to confront and probably sins to confess to them too!) - You have authority because God has made you His agent. This means you are on His errand, not yours. Your task is to help your children know God and the true nature of reality. Ephesians 6:4 commands you to bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. This is a command to provide the training and instruction of the Lord; to function on God's behalf. You and your child are both under God's authority. You have different roles but the same Master. And your correction should orbit around God as the one offended, not you. This will keep your focus on restoration, moving a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience.
- Since the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, you must set such a worldview before your children. You must help them learn that only in Him will they find themselves.
- If you have these Biblical goals, you can only accomplish them through biblical methods. You must reject the substitute methods that our culture presents.
- God has given two methods for childrearing. They are (1) communication and (2) the rod. These methods must be woven together in your practice. Your children need to be known and understood. Thus, rich communication is necessary. They also need authority and firmness. Thus, the rod is necessary. The rod functions to underscore the importance of the things you talk with them about.*
In the stage of development from infancy through about age 5, the primary characteristic is change. They grow more than at any other stage, develop a vast array of new skills, and present us with a steady stream of new challenges. In all of this, it's easy for us parents to lose focus. We need a single over-arching focus, "narrow enough to give firm direction in concrete situations and broad enough to encompass the changing world of the young child."*
The most important lesson for a child to learn in this period is that he is an individual under authority. He has been made by God and has a responsibility to obey God in all things. The key passage of Scripture for this period is
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with a promise: 'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" Ephesians 6:1-3Obedience is a response to God. Children will not submit to you or any other earthly authority unless they understand that they are made for God. He has the right to rule them. If they don't see this, they won't see living to glorify God. They will be self-absorbed and worship only themselves. Submitting to earthly authorities is part of being under God's authority because He has designated those earthly authorities over us.
Acquaint your children with authority and submission when they are infants. This training starts the day you bring them home from the hospital. These lessons, firmly established in the early years, will yield fruit throughout childhood. Establish these principles and you will eliminate the need to have repeated contests over authority.
We model authority and submission, not by submitting to our children (God made us their authorities, not vice versa), but by submitting to our earthly authorities. Wives, model for your children the type of attitude and behavior you want from them by submitting to and honoring your husbands, supervisors if you work outside the home, and other authorities in your life. Husbands, model this attitude in the way you submit to... and talk about... your boss, the government and its agents (e.g. police, internal revenue service, president), etc.
That's a tremendously high calling, isn't it? I have so far to go. I've been rereading this book lately and been convicted in so many areas. My example to my kids has been lacking, and my goals with them have fallen short. But the good news is that with God and for His own, it is never too late and all things are possible.
*All quotes taken from Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Conference material presented by Paul and Tedd Tripp in 2000. I highly recommend this book. It is one I read every year, not just to remind me of how I should be approaching my children, but also to remind me how I should approach my own sinful heart. It is immensely practical for self-correction as well as for bringing up children.
