I've been reading Jody's blog, a mother of five, four still living, for the past few months. She writes very candidly about life with a full house and a child with special needs. (It's very comforting to know that our non-Rockwell-ish family life is not totally unique.) I'm so impressed with how able she seems to be at riding the turbulence that has to exist in their home without getting too stressed by it.
This is something I need to work on. I do think I've gotten better over the years -- must be all the practice. Instead of always being the mom in awe of that other mom who is so calm in the midst of the flurry of her kids, I've actually had a couple people say the same to me once in a great while. But most of the time, I still really struggle with getting tense and stressed when things don't go perfectly or how I want them to go.
So I'm asking other moms out there. How do you do it? Have you changed your expectations of yourself, the state of your home, the behavior of your kids? How do you deal with disasters in public? How about in private (because the kids see both and are learning from us how to handle it -- no pressure there at all)?
I have had to take our three kids to a lot of doctor's appointments in the last two months. There's nothing like being stuck in a small room with hard surfaces, sharp corners, and no amusements to bring out the worst in kids. I usually end up trying to have a conversation with the doctor, ask my questions, and process their answers while one child is climbing me and poking her finger in my face ("eye. eye-bow. nozsh. mouf."), the other one is crawling around on the icky, germy floor making animal noises, and Elli is singing songs from music class with her Dynavox. It's SO difficult not to yell at everyone to SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK.
Then there's the relentless nature of life at home with five generators of dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and messes everywhere. I try to get everything done enough to take Sunday off from housework, but this requires a level of self-discipline that I have not achieved yet. Managing a home is much more difficult than I thought. Between trying to keep the finances updated, stick to a budget while feeding/clothing/bathing five people, stay on top of the laundry, clean the house at least enough to deter pests, fix and clean up meals in a timely manner, and spend some quality time actually playing and doing fun things with each child... I'm ready to pull my hair out by mid-afternoon. Ooops -- I forgot taking a lot of time out to mediate sibling conflicts and discipline when they blatantly disobey, exercizing on a semi-regular basis, and reading the Bible and praying.
It all is important. And it just seems impossible. But not because there's too much to do. Because it requires that self-discipline thing again. If I would just use my time better: go to bed early enough that I can get up at 5:30am to read, pray, and exercise before the family gets up, waste less time on the computer, and worry less about doing those fun things I want to do it, I could accomplish this. I guess I'm just unwilling to give up the things that I want to do.
Should I? Is it selfish of me to want to read, knit, sew, scrapbook, write, nap? How much should I compromise? For how long? What's most important? What am I teaching my kids with my example?
I guess I'm concluding that I'm quite a selfish person. I want what I want, when I want it.
So let's throw in another stick of dynamite into this volatile mix. I've been thinking and praying about adding to the family lately. Now I'm really at war with myself. Children just don't mix with self-love. So having children has forced me to face the ugliness inside, and to a certain extent, to deal with it.
I keep telling myself that children are a blessing from God and a joy. That raising godly, respectful, hard-working, responsible people is the most important way I could spend my time and energy. I see how much having children has forced me into better habits and whittled away at the self-worshipping heart inside me. I see how much joy they have brought us.
But my self keeps talking back. It keeps reminding me how out-of-control life is. How much worse it got during pregnancy. How difficult it was so adjust to having each new child. I was not myself for months because I was so tired and so overwhelmed by everything (even when they were healthy). How much more complicated things get as the kids get older. The ever-increasing onslaught of paper. The reality of our oldest's health and physical situation. My fears of all the evil that can and will strike each child at some point in their lives.
This job is tough. It requires intelligence (something the liberal feminists don't want us to know), discipline, problem-solving, organization, skill with numbers, ability to juggle multiple tasks and multitudinous facts at one time, and people skills. You need a basic knowledge of nutrition, sanitation, education, and child-development (and some auto-mechanic and home maintenance skills are a huge plus).
But absolutely essential is courage:
courage to plunge your bare hand into a toilet jammed full of toilet-paper courtesy of your over-zealous potty-trained-but-just-barely toddler to pull all that soppy paper and who-knows-what-else out before your house is flooded,
courage to kill that 2-inch cockroach yourself because no-one is around to do it,
courage to safely usher that terrified bird back outside before the cat kills it and scatters bird feathers from floor to ceiling,
courage to face a world that looks down on mothers and especially mothers with many children (by many I mean more than 2) with a smile and a positive attitude,
courage to confront the attitudes and systems and ideas that attack our kids,
courage to say no to what would poison our and their minds even if it's everywhere and everyone else absorbs it without question,
courage to be the parent and the authority in your child's life until they have the skill and wisdom to live as adults and make their own choices (you are their parent, not their friend).
I guess I am no less qualified for this impossible job now than I was when I innocently plunged into motherhood for the first time 7 years ago. There's no turning back now.
