I debated deleting this post because I think it might be written in a spirit of self-pity. But I put it back with only a few additions and rewordings... it's what I'm thinking right now.
The past few weeks or more I've had this pensive, uncomfortable, vaguely lonely, hard-to-describe feeling about life in general. I think I finally put my finger on it yesterday. I've been feeling the lack of a deep friendship.
I've been trying to figure out why I feel this way and what I should do with it.
I think a big part of it is that I feel like the odd man out in just about every social circle I'm a part of. None of the acquaintances I have ever seem to develop into the kind of friendship I'm hungry for.
Maybe everyone is just so busy with life that they don't reach out to others much any more. Maybe we've all gotten so picky about what we look for in close friends that we completely miss some great relationships. We didn't grow up with this person, that person doesn't go to our church, she looks too preppy or yuppy or retro or poor, he doesn't have a college degree, they do shift work, this family uses public schools while that family home-schools, and on and on.
Whatever it is, I just don't seem to fit with anyone. And from my seat on the social scene's outfield bleachers, it seems like everyone else has really close friends who bend over backward for each other, get their kids together, and join up for lots of social gatherings.
I am trying to figure out why I don't seem able to develop the kind of friendship that deepens into this. Because all friendships start out in the social scene. So if I'm not even making it there, the good friendships will never develop.
So is there something wrong about the way I relate to people? Am I standoffish? Am I a bad friend? Am I a lazy friend who just doesn't put the work required into it? Do I somehow communicate that I want to be left alone? Do people hold back because I have a child with a disability and they are uncomfortable or afraid or just perplexed about how to include her? Do people think I'm too overwhelmed or busy with Elli's care that I couldn't fit it in even if I wanted to? I do know I'm uncomfortable in new groups when we take the kids for the first time because I don't want others to be uncomfortable or to feel sorry for us. And sometimes, when I'm really in a funk, it's hard to be around "normal" people because it's then that I really notice how "abnormal" we are. Sometimes it's like pouring salt into a wound that has never fully healed. In fact, school events, where I see what Elli could be doing and saying, are the worst. So I know some of it is me hiding from that pain. I try really hard to push on so that Elli doesn't know how I struggle sometimes and so she can experience as much normal-kid stuff as possible, but it takes every ounce of willpower within me sometimes, plus all the work it takes to physically enable her to do whatever it is.
I know at work, part of is that I have a completely different worldview from my coworkers. So despite the fact that there, at the hospital, my special needs child and extensive hospital experience actually gets me into the "club," my faith cuts me off again. You just can't develop a super-close friendship with people who don't share that fundamental foundation with you.
If it was just me, I'd write myself off as paranoid, bury it all under a pile of busy-ness, etc. In a way, I'm used to it because I've felt this way off and on my entire life. I was home-schooled for 10 years and back then, that was really unusual. Growing up, we didn't participate in some of the mainstream cultural practices of the day, like listening to pop music, watching TV, playing Nintendo, following fashion trends (those great 80s staples like jelly shoes and leg-warmers? not even on our radar!). And that was fine, I guess, but I didn't have those things to talk about with friends and I don't have that cultural history or vocabulary now (I am definitely not a "child of the 80s" like most kids born in the mid 70s).
But what's bothering me is I think my kids are being left out. That's what really gets me. How will they learn the fine art of friendship without practice? How will they develop those childhood best friends? With a couple exceptions two years ago when Elli got invited to two friends' birthday parties, the kids just don't seem to get invited over to play or go along on trips to the zoo or the pool or wherever. I hear about other people getting their kids together, so I know it happens. I've initiated some play dates and invited kids over and had birthday parties for kids, and that was a lot of fun. But it hasn't been reciprocated much. And it has been hard for me to do this much myself because we always seem to be sick or going to the doctor or we have that half-day school schedule messing things up!
I'm not sure what to do about this.
Maybe I think more "going over to play" is happening than really is.
Maybe the kids are too young and I'm expecting too much at this developmental stage (but then what happens when they go to school? Then we'll have homework and classes and all that stuff getting in the way!).
Maybe feeling isolated is part of the American Way Of Life (the "I am a rock, I'm an island" kind of thing) and this is totally normal (which means I need to be abnormal and counter-culture again so my kids can learn these friendship lessons).
Maybe it's part of having a child with a disability and is something I will have to work extra-hard to overcome.
Maybe I need to initiate the kind of overtures I would love to receive -- "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Maybe I need to push myself to talk to people more and work on socializing, not just sticking to the business at hand.
Maybe I'm just hormonal and tired from having sick kids for a week and maybe-but-hopefully-not-catching-Elli's-stomach-flu right now.
