And then the bad news started pouring in.
A friend's 10-month old baby just got diagnosed last week with SMA. They will find out next week, probably Tuesday, if he is Type I or Type II, but suspicions are that he is Type I, the most severe and devastating kind. I couldn't sleep last night, trying to figure out how to pray and just grieving for them, for the baby.
Another friend's mother just got diagnosed with lung cancer, in addition to the bone cancer she's been battling for the past few years. She's young - in her 50s - and a non-smoker.
We have a number of siblings between us who are looking for work and trying to make ends meet in very difficult financial situations. They are in various stages of discouragement and frustration.
It's all so very sad, especially since I feel powerless to help in any tangible way (to my eyes). I know that prayer is a powerful thing, but sometimes it doesn't seem like much to my human, finite mind. And that same human, finite mind only wants to see the hopelessness, pain, and futility of life.
My minor little frustrations, like Big Boy still being sick this morning and the house being in total disarray, seem more discouraging. Yet, I'm not the one in the difficult situation. Well, we've certainly had our challenges lately, but you know what I mean. We're not facing that level of difficulty right now. All in all, things are looking fairly positive for our little family at this moment.
I think my problem is that with the kids being sick... with sickness in our house for so many weeks in a row... I am worn out. I haven't had time for a lot of the things I normally do, and I haven't made time for some of the things I need to do, like read my Bible and pray every day. That has been sapping my spiritual strength. And that starts the slide down into gloom and doom.
With three demanding children (demanding because of their illnesses - they aren't normally high-maintenance kids), it's incredibly difficult to read or take time for myself during the day. I'm having a tough time even finding time to eat (or inspiration to fix something for just myself). And with all the additional demands, I've been too tired by the end of the day to make myself read and pray in the evening. The kids have been waking up too early and beating me to it in the morning. And I apparently lack the self-discipline and motivation to figure something out when my original plans don't work out.
What I need to do when I start looking at things through human eyes is rely on the Word of God to find hope and joy and comfort to give others. But I have to preach His truth to my own heart first before I can really reach out in ways that aren't trite and pithy. The Psalms are especially dear, as David was such an honest and open poet. He got discouraged and sad and angry, just like everyone. But he always brought himself back to the goodness of God and the hope that we all have in the future righting of all the wrongs when Christ returns.
I also remember the words of a song that has always moved me. I can't listen to it without tearing up. It's such an important reminder that although I am filled with, as the Bible says, "only evil continually" and deserve only eternal punishment, God, in His infinite mercy, has chosen to spare me from that judgement that I fully deserve. This is far more blessing than I could dare to ask for. So even if this life is filled with hardship and heartache and I never know any earthly joy, if I am His child, I am infinitely blessed and can proclaim that God is good!
If I never get to see another rainbow
Or share another laugh with a friend
If I never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child goodnight again
If I never have another prayer that's answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I know of heaven's kindness
Father I would still have to say...
You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me
You have shown me mercy upon mercy
Grace upon grace
Time after time
And I know all too well what I'm deserving
Yet You are still so patient and kind
You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me
If suddenly it all were ended
And your blessings disappear
Looking back over a lifetime
The evidence is clear
You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how could it be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me
In so many ways
You've been good to me
- by Scott Krippayne, from the album Bright Star, Blue Sky
So, on that note, I need to get it together, do that long-overdue reading, spend some time in prayer, send some notes in the mail, and try to get this house in better, more germ-free order. Oh yeah, and give lots of hugs to the kiddos.
