I took Elli to the cardiologist today for a routine 6-month checkup. I didn't expect anything. I got blindsided. Instead of our usual ramp-up to surgery where I can tell her condition is deteriorating before I go in and we wait as long as possible and have about a year to prepare for the words "She's going to need that replaced," instead I was totally surprised to hear that she needs surgery in the next 6-8 months. I was at my wits enough to ask how flexible that is and could we schedule for the summer instead of right before Christmas? The timeline is flexible, so we can talk about it.
Four kids, four heart caths, three heart surgeries, two children from the same family, all in less than one year. That's some crazy kind of math, isn't it?
I'm still coming to grips with this, and the shock is still wearing off. It always takes awhile for me to work through the emotions. Unfortunately, I've learned that my fear will always be there. I "just" need to make myself not go off into worse-case-scenarios in my head.
But even if the fear is a constant companion on this journey, so is God. I have to focus on that. It takes mental discipline, constant vigilance, a refusal to indulge in the pity party... because at the heart of it all is a failure to believe God's promises. But it's hard hard work. And sometimes I just don't want to work that hard.
Guess it's like I tell my kids, "In life, you have to do things you don't want to do. But you do them because it's the right thing to do."
Pray for me. This is going to be a difficult year.
