"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:27, 34
I've always had a tendency to live my life ahead of itself. I find myself constantly thinking ahead, making plans A, B, C, D, and E; anticipating every possibility, trying to set things up just right so that everything flows seamlessly and according to my plan.
Obviously, this causes a great deal of stress, particularly because the process of trying puts me through all these different scenarios in my head. Then, inevitably, what really happens is different than any of the scenarios I created. So all that effort and strain and lost sleep was futile. Worry did nothing to change what actually happened. Worry didn't help me in those moments -- God's grace helped, just as He promised. On the contrary, worry created all these false moments prior to it. And worry robbed me of the joy of the days leading up to the actual event.
Over the past few years, I've gradually begun to see this for what it is -- failure to obey Jesus' command in Matthew 6 to not worry about tomorrow but focus on today. Through many many failed attempts to anticipate the future I began to realize that I was trying to play God -- I was trying to control what would happen. And since I am not God, I failed every single time.
But recognizing sin for what it is-- that is only a first step. The next step is to stop sinning and start doing the right thing.
A month and a half ago, I was preparing for my son's heart surgery. The preparation part was fine, but I was also anticipating all the many ways it could go, including how it could go horribly wrong. I found myself in tears on the floor more than once, thinking about how easily we could lose him.
And then his surgery was postponed for two whole months. Within days, we also learned that our daughter's heart surgery was also postponed until sometime next year.
Suddenly the summer we thought we were going to have dissolved and new one began to take shape with a whole new set of uncertainties. It was a firm reminder from God that I am so very not Him and so very much within His plan, not the other way around.
I'm a very slow learner, but this was almost as clear as writing on a wall. I realized that He had given me the gift of more time to get it right.
So I've given back my pathetic attempts to create the future and anticipate everything.
By His grace, I've worked hard to put the future out of mind and enjoy each day.
Instead of imagining how things could go wrong, I've been reading and studying more about the God we serve.
Instead of crying at the possibility of loss, I've dragged my mind back to the here and now and focused on enjoying each little smile, hug, silly antic, exploration of the kitchen trash, and even the dirty diapers.
I still have a long way to go. Treasuring the opportunities to teach my children through their many quarrels and discontents is very difficult. Looking at my daughter's beautiful smile or my son's dazzling blue eyes still occasionally bring tears to my eyes.
But I have discovered many blessings in just enjoying each day as it comes. I'm more relaxed and able to respond to the children more calmly and lovingly. The unexpected hasn't been quite as difficult to adjust ourselves to. Things that would normally have irritated, frustrated, or angered me are more likely to amuse me now. My sleep has been longer and more peaceful. And I've even let go of some of the chores that normally would have prevented me from seizing opportunities to just play with the kids and take advantage of the summer's less structured schedule.
And here's a paradox: each moment that we've wallowed in this summer has glowed brighter and more beautiful in the knowledge that we do not know many days we have with one another.
Somehow, I think that is the way God wants me to carry the experiences He has brought us through over the past 8 1/2 years and the realities we live with today. They should remind me to bask in each happy moment and soak up every drop of joy possible. They should not overwhelm me with grief at a loss that is yet to come.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
When God allows a new challenge or a new pain or a new loss... if He brings my children back to Himself before I go, that will be the day to grieve.
Not before.
