It's been a rough several days. We started with a significant sleep deficit and kept adding to it all week. We've been wrestling with some confusing new physical issues with Elli, so I've been calling and emailing multiple specialists all week. We still don't have any clearcut answers.
Luke started sleeping a little more at night, but he's making up for the missed feeding by nursing more during the day.
And we started this crazy bathroom project. (That was poor timing on our part -- but in our defense, things looked good here when we started. 36 hours later life had made a 180, but there's no way to predict that, I guess.)
By Friday I was a mess. And then this little thing happened. I know it was little, in my head. But somehow, it seems like the little things bother me the most, especially when I'm tired.
My calendar said I had to take Elli down to the main Children's hospital for a 3:45pm appointment with her neurologist. This meant picking her up from school right in the middle of my prime nap time, driving 45 minutes down, and getting stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. I don't normally see that doctor at the main hospital, but I'd rescheduled when we had a cardiology appointment made for us at the same time as Elli's original appointment. The first one I could get was down at the main hospital on Friday afternoon.
I had found a friend who was willing to come watch the kids for me so that at least they would get their naps. I knew it would be a grueling afternoon and I was dreading every second, but I knew I had to do it.
Then the phone rang. It was the doctor herself, calling to say they'd had a cancellation and would I like to come down earlier? I jumped at the chance. Then she suddenly said, "Don't I normally see you up north? Why are you coming down here, anyway? You don't exactly travel light!"
I was shocked. We've only seen her twice. (We must have made quite an impression.)
She then told me they could work me in Tuesday morning at the north office, just 10 minutes from my house. I hung up the phone and spent the rest of my morning thanking God over and over for the reprieve.
I got all three kids down for a nap at the same time at 2pm. I could tell that all three were going to sleep for awhile... like hours. I turned off the house phone, and made a beeline for my bed. I grabbed my cell phone though. I can't leave myself out of reach completely with a child like Elli in school. The one time I've done that recently, the school had to call Scott at work because they couldn't get ahold of me. He can't do much from his office downtown!
I was in bed and drifting off at 2:10pm.
My cell phone rang at 2:15pm.
It was a teacher from Elli's school and I could hear Elli screaming in the background. They didn't know what to do. They'd never seen her like that before.
I had. It was a bad sign. When she gets like that that, she's either really sick and in pain (she cried like that when she had pneumonia this spring) or she's beyond tired and inconsolable and won't stop crying for a few hours. Literally.
I dragged myself out of bed, called my neighbors (who fortunately could come over and stay with the kids so I didn't have to drag all the kids out of bed), and drove to school to bring Elli home. I was worried about her being sick, so I wasn't upset. Yet.
Once I got her home, I figured out pretty quickly that she was just tired. I layed her down in the living room, and tried to get her to sleep. I tried for about an hour, laying next to her, playing music, putting various children's programming on TV. But all she did was whine and wail, nodding off for the briefest of seconds only.
I finally moved into the living room and laid down on the couch, afraid to go too far away in case she had a real problem. But I was too close to her noise. I got little snippets of sleep, a minute here and a minute there, in between yells. I finally had to get up and start dinner, fighting back tears.
All three younger children slept from 2pm until 4:45pm. That doesn't happen every day. (For example, today Sam slept 3 hours, but Anna was up screaming after just 1 1/2, and Luke never did take an afternoon nap.) Friday I could have had 2 hours of sleep, just getting up in time to get Elli off the bus at 4pm.
Now I know that missing a nap is really a minor thing. But the whole chain of events seemed so cruel. It was like waving a beautiful, fragrant dessert under someone's nose and then throwing it into a compost bin.
So I've been wrestling with my response to this for a few days. I really do think a lot of my recent inability to handle life is a direct result of fatigue. Fortunately, I have a husband who doesn't avoid me when I'm having a bad day. He instead actually tries to help and usually succeeds rather well. (I usually give grumpy people a wide berth instead of sticking close and risking getting my head bitten off!) He did his best to get me some extra sleep, getting up with Luke both Friday and Saturday nights for me. So after an emotionally volatile weekend, today I'm doing a little better.
But I'm still confused. The whole thing seems so out of character to me. So I guess I have to go back to what I know to be true about God, not what seemed to be for a few hours on one day. He isn't whimsical or frivolous or a tease. And I don't have a right to be angry or bitter. As Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Isn't it amazing how we trip up over such little things?
