Battling Fear

This weekend the impending delivery hit me in a way it hasn't since the first weeks that we learned of Luke's heart condition. I think that I could shove it out of my mind as far ahead in the future... until this weekend I realized that he really could appear any time. And that means that the medical unknown lies just a few short moments/hours/days ahead.

With this realization came an onslaught of fear that I wasn't prepared for. All day Sunday in particular, thoughts would come out of nowhere and drop me into a teary emotional mess.

As a woman who professes to trust in a sovereign, loving God who has adopted her as His child, this is not the way I should be responding to Luke's situation. Over the past few days I've been praying and reading, trying to find the root of my fear and address it head-on with God's Word.

I realized pretty quickly that giving in to fear is a sin of unbelief. If I allow myself to wallow in fear of the future, I am refusing to believe the countless promises God has given throughout the Bible that He is in control of all things and takes care of His children and works all things for good and provides abundant grace for each day, whether that day contains household chores or the delivery of a medically-fragile baby.

Sunday afternoon I went to Bible Gateway, where I typed in "fear" and began a quick survey of what the Bible says about fear. I didn't read every single passage (over 300 came up), but I read quite a few of them and found that they could be grouped into three broad categories.

By far, the large majority of the references to fear appeared in the phrase "fear of God" or "fear of the LORD." This is a godly fear that recognizes God's power and therefore the tremendous privilege we have to even exist before Him in our unholy, sinful state. Yet, not only does He allow us to continue living, despite our ongoing defiance and rebellion against Him, but He has chosen to rescue some of us and work inside us to root out that sin and mold us into godly, loving, merciful, forgiving people.

Here's one passage that really jumped off the page describing this godly fear:

1 Chronicles 16:23-34
23 Sing to the LORD, all the earth;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
24 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
25 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.
26 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.
27 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and joy in his dwelling place.
28 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength,
29 ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name.
Bring an offering and come before him;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his [d] holiness.
30 Tremble before him, all the earth!
The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.
31 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!"
32 Let the sea resound, and all that is in it;
let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them!
33 Then the trees of the forest will sing,
they will sing for joy before the LORD,
for he comes to judge the earth.
34 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

The next set of passages addresses sinful fear, the kind that demonstrates unbelief in God. Job very aptly describes how it feels to surrender to this kind of fear. He had endured horrific losses just prior to voicing this and was beginning to believe there was no point in living.

Job 3:23-26
23 Why is life given to a man
whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
24 For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.

I also found a third kind of reference to fear: godly responses to sinful fear. Many of the verses
that described the fear of the Lord were full of promises and descriptions of God, which I poured onto my heart liberally. But this third kind of verse soothed the ache as well.

For example, at the very end of Job, God finally silences him and his friends with a powerful statement of His vast superiority to humankind. Here's just a small taste (to get the full effect, start reading in Job 39).

Job 40:6-14
6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:
7 "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
8 "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,
12 look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

What possible response can there be to something like this? I certainly can't thunder like God, nor can I bring the proud low or crush the wicked, much as I would like to. Job too immediately fell on his face before God.

Job 42
1 Then Job replied to the LORD :
2 "I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

King David faced many frightening situations during his life, and wrote out his prayers about many of them in the Psalms of David. I've been reading these almost daily since March, and have been struck by how he describes these terrifying circumstances and then preaches God's promises to himself. He reminds himself of the right way to think, based on what he knows to be true about God, and it completely changes his perspective on what is happening. Here is a short example, but the Psalms are full of great examples of godly prayer about real, difficult situations.

Psalm 3
A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.
1 O LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
"God will not deliver him."
Selah [a]
3 But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift [b] up my head.
4 To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah

5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
6 I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.
7 Arise, O LORD!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8 From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah

I am still struggling to remember God's promises as I count contractions, gather things for the hospital, and pull together contingency plans for every possibility. But spending some time reminding myself who God is and what He has promised is an amazingly effective (though it shouldn't surprise me) antidote to fear.