Instead, he told me that I need to find some constructive ways to release the stress in my life. Right now, it's all funneling into my neck, shoulders, and jaw. I also have stretches to do, and am working to retrain myself to open my mouth and hold my jaw at rest correctly. If I wasn't breastfeeding, I'd be taking a week of round-the-clock anti-inflammatories to settle down the irritated muscles. That really isn't an option right now, so I'm working on slow, steady improvements.
Scott was highly amused at the turn this appointment took. He knows me better than anyone, so he knows how I struggle when things get done differently than I do them. He knows how hard it is for me to say "No" to people (apparently that makes me a people-pleaser... and if I'm totally honest with myself, I know that's true). And he knows how constantly and hard I think about e v e r y t h i n g. So I think he was glad that someone else told me all of this, and that I need to work on those things.
The doctor recommended that I read the book "The Disease to Please." I thought about it, and I checked it out of the library. But I was very concerned that the recommendations of such a book would just be someone's best guess, and could actually contradict what I believe as a follower of Christ.
So instead, I bought the book "When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Co-dependency, and the Fear of Man" by Ed Welch. He focuses on a proper view of God and the help that He provides us to overcome our fear of people. The book is divided into two main sections, How and Why We Fear Others, and Overcoming the Fear of Others. In the first section, in a chapter titled "People Will Reject Me," he writes about Paul (the Paul of the Bible), who did not fear the rejection of men.
Paul was not a people-pleaser. He was a people-lover, and because of that, he did not change his message according to what others might think. Only people lovers are able to confront. Only people-lovers are not controlled by other people. Paul even indicated to the Galatians that if he were still trying to please men, he would not be a servant of God (Gal 1:10). That is how seriously he took the fear of man. (emphasis mine)I have always wanted people to like me and have worried so much about what they thought of me that I would behave differently with different people to be accepted. It is very hard for me to confront anyone, or to tell someone something that might be difficult to hear. I'm not very bold about my faith in God, in person anyway. And this lack of boldness has become a heavy conviction.
This year, as I considered some personal goals for the year, I decided that it was time to face this one and also try something that I believe God has been impressing on my heart for a few years.
The church we attend is small in numbers, though large in faith and love for God. Over the past few years, our women have expressed the desire for a women's Bible study. I've been one of them. There's something freeing about having a discussion amongst other women. But we only have one woman who has been willing to commit to teaching on a regular basis (others have taught a lesson here and there but are not in the position in life to take on a bigger commitment). I also believed that I did not have the time to study and prepare, and frankly, I was/am terrified. I am comfortable speaking in public on most subjects, but I am well aware of the higher standard applied to those who teach the Bible.
I have been feeling a steadily-increasing pressure to try. I waste lots of time each day that, if I used it better, would allow me the time to study and prepare. And while I don't know if I really am gifted to teach women (because I've never done it before), I believe God wants me to try. I believe that if I can learn to fear Him and love others enough to teach boldly in my church, that will also help me fear Him and love others in the world.
So this week I began reading and preparing to teach the book "Attitudes of a Transformed Heart" by Martha Peace. It is a book about being "transformed by the renewing of your mind" and not being "conformed to this world" (Romans 12:2). It will help show you that transformed heart attitudes such as a high and proper view of God, humility, love, and gratitude are a grace-work of God in the life of Christians as they learn from the Scriptures a biblical view of God, man, and sin.
In some ways, this actually increases the pressure in my life. It certainly ramps up the accountability and the demands on my time! But I hope that it will also help me learn better personal discipline and more godly ways of thinking about and dealing with stress, both the good and the bad.
